Author: Blind John Ellsworth

Blind John Ellsworth (1960- ), a (questionable) poet and sometimes Texas bluesman. He has recorded one spoken-word album (thankfully unreleased), since he is still trying to learn to play guitar. (Lack of musical skills is what makes him a poet and not a lyricist. Plus, he can’t write music.)

Fifty-Four

The Spousal Unit turns fifty-four and this is the poem she gets?

Happy Birthday to you!
Another trip around the sun.
Some trips are annoying,
Some trips are fun.

That’s where they rhyming part ends.
My head hurts and I can’t find
My rhyming dictionary.
So, another crappy birthday poem follows.

My apologies in advance.
I hope it’s not a bore.
I should just say Rocky wrote it,
So people would cry for more.

Sigh. I’m not bitter about that.

Here’s an interesting fact.
If you had walked a mile each day,
Since the day you were born,
That would be 19,710 miles!

Your Fitbit would be very happy.
Also, you would have been walking at birth,
A very impressive feat! (feet?)
So, this is probably hypothetical.

Your Mom probably would have stopped you,
Since you shouldn’t be walking that young.
On the other hand, I’ve met your siblings,
So maybe she would have said, “Bon Voyage!”

Back to the hypothetical walking,
Today, you would be almost 80% of the way
Around the earth (give or take).
Holding your breath across the ocean-y bits.

However, you keep insisting on taking cruise ships.
So, walking around the world is probably out.
Also, you would have ended up back in New York.
Since the world is round-ish.

So, you’re in Dallas, not New York.
You’re a year older, but at least you’re not 55.
It could be worse, because it could always be worse.
Did I mention Rocky wrote this?

Happy Birthday.

Journeys 

I feel the pain no more.

I’ve crossed the final ocean.
I’ve reached the distant shore.
My body isn’t broken,
I feel the pain no more.

I don’t want to hear you grieving,
My dear friends I left behind.
I will always be there with you,
If you keep me in your mind.

My time on Earth is finished,
Life’s journey reached its end.
But the end brings new beginnings,
And the journey starts again.

Eulogy to a Squirrel

By Katie, the PBGV Hunter

I found a squirrel,
His name was Fred.
l chewed him
On his little head.

“Drop that squirrel!”,
My Mommy cried.
It’s Squirrel Tartare.
I prefer them fried.

Mom grabbed Fred.
She threw him far.
I heard him hit
My Daddy’s car.

Oops.

I will miss Fred.
He took a lickin’.
Now I know
Squirrels taste like chicken.

Corporate Avenue

Start at the corner of Hope and Innocence,
Follow Hope South until it becomes Despair.
Your career progresses as you go,
Nothing vodka or Prozac won’t repair.

Keeping going down Despair,
You’ll know when you are through.
It dead ends at Retirement.
Alongside Corporate Avenue.

Corporate Avenue is a long, hard road.
There are twists and turns and merges,
You have to find a decent driver,
Then hope he survives the purges.

I’ve been driven off a cliff.
I’ve been driven into walls.

I remember drivers drinking,
While they suffered through the drive.

I remember changing drivers,
While we were doing sixty-five.

The only thing that bothers me,
It often shakes me to my core.
Is how many times along the way,
I know I’ve seen that house before.

Ellie’s Blues

Editor’s Note: Sometimes, even a bluesman visits his family. The joys of grandchildren climbing all over you is generally followed by a rare, short-term but hellish disease.

Ellie’s cold is killing me.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Snot as far as I can see.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose),
Gonna run all day.
I need some antihistamines.
I need to get away.

The kids’ house is a haz-mat site.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Boogers running day and night.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose)
Gonna run all day.
I’m back home in Dallas now.
With a blocked airway.

Technology

 

I’m getting the feeling that
We have a generation that can’t read.
You have to show them graphics – not text,
And it’s really best to have a movie.

I love technology,
But not for it’s own sake.
Let’s not use it just because
The CEO overpaid for it.

If you have something to say,
Just email or call me.
I’ll respond if required.
Don’t send a link to your blog.

If you have an announcement,
Just make it.
Don’t make me watch a video
A week from Tuesday.

Worst of all now days,
Is the video blog,
Where some minor exec
Reads you his email.

The issue with video blogs,
At least for me,
Is that you see how poorly
Some of these people present.

Please send your foils out first.
(I’m old. They’re not slides. They’re foils.)
I will happily read your foils.
Then, I will think to myself,
“How can this take an hour to present?”

When I read someone’s foils,
My usual thought is,
“Wow. That’s an hour I would have wasted.”
Then, I hang up and go back to work.

Here’s the thing people miss these days.
Work is not an action movie.
There is little action at all sometimes.
So why pretend it’s exciting?

If you’re going to pretend it’s exciting,
Let’s have a video game presentation.
Everyone could watch from home,
And interact with the presenter.

Hit the CEO in the nose,
She has to go on to the next slide.
Blow the CEO up,
That’s lunch, everybody!

That could actually be fun.
She couldn’t just stand and read.
Just send me the foils first,
So I know what was supposed to be said.

Meetings

Lord, how I hate meetings.

Here’s what you will often hear,
When you are trapped in a meeting.
The worst are the ones where everybody
Has to go around and update status.

Many people are very gifted at status updates.
They can make their project seem very important.
Golly! That project requires a lot of people.
I wish I had a project like that!

Most of those reports
Do not make me wish for that project.
They make me wish I had a vodka tonic.
Maybe three.

Here’s an example, which is close to real-life:

“At this point, we are waiting for the brand team,
Who are currently in their quarterly update meetings,
The results of which are due at the end of the month.
After those updates are validated and certified,
Our team will negotiate the use of their results,
Which will save us approximately three weeks.
If we do not get to use their results,
We will spend two weeks producing our own.
The hardware is still on back-order at this time,
But we’re expecting updates from the Singapore team,
Perhaps as early as next week,
Depending on whether the local holiday slows production.
Those delivery updates will help us revise the final schedule,
Which will be then communicated at that time.
Once the hardware is in place in the lab,
We will be able to estimate the time required
To install and patch the base-level software,
Although we are considering just
Moving development to the cloud,
Which might require a retro-fit and design update.
We are on hold for the marketing team,
Who is completing the new brand marketing plan.
This will require us to update our labeling.
We may also have to update our documentation.
We have been in close contact with the other developers,
To make sure that all of our APIs are consistent.
We are also mapping to the original specifications,
Rather than the updates from the previous manager.”

This means:

“There’s been no change since last week.”