Blind John Ellsworth

Fifty Four

I still don’t feel old,
I guess I really should.
I’m writing my life lessons,
I told myself I would.

I shouldn’t waste money,
But I just can’t be a miser.
I’m another year older,
And another Budweiser.

Salesmen can be useful,
Those just aren’t the ones I get.
Lawyers can be honest,
It’s just not the way to bet.

You can fall in love,
You can fall in really deep.
But whomever you may find to love,
No-one beats a good night’s sleep.

It’s too late to be on the stage,
I’ll just stand here by the riser.
I’m another year older,
And another Budweiser.

Lots of (funny) failures,
Very occasional success.
I’ve tried to be myself,
Just never to excess.

I made fast food in high school.
Burgers, fries and all.
So, I’m an unemployed chef
Whenever Food Network calls.

I won’t ever be a King.
I won’t even be the Kaiser.
I’m just another year older,
And another Budweiser.

Taxes

Ouch.
Damn.
I hate April 15th.

I don’t mind paying for NASA.
We need all our armed forces.
We need trains and highways.
We should protect our resources.

Some of the rest is a waste.

The TSA is worthless.
They don’t make us feel secure.
Tell airlines, “It’s your problem.”
That could be a cure.

Need a job?
Don’t shed another tear.
Go be a farmer in Mexico.
(All their farmers are here.)

The best way to save money?
How to shrink the budget’s girth?
It’s really very simple.
Just pay Congress what they’re worth.

Depression

I’ve got dogs.
I’ve got family.
I’ve even got a wife.
I’ve got office shit (like many.)
it’s a complicated life.

I just can’t get it started.
I just can’t get out of bed.
I can’t even write this poetry.
it’s just sticking in my head.

There’s too much all around me.
I can’t keep track of time.
The world will keep on spinning,
While I slowly lose my mind.

I’ve tried to have a latte,
I’ve tried to drink green tea.
Neither one is very calming,
They just flow right out of me.

I need a good vacation.
I need some time alone.
The problem with vacation,
Is that you have to come back home.

I shouldn’t be complaining.
I’ve got all kinds of stuff.
I just can’t find my inner peace.
It must be buried in the fluff.

I just can’t get it started.
I just can’t get out of bed.
I can’t even write this poetry.
it’s just sticking in my head.

Someday, I’ll be at peace.
I’m sure I’ll find a way.
Until then, I’ll have depression.
It’s back to bed to stay.

Security

I feel very secure these days.
My bank canceled my card,
Even though I didn’t go to Target.

I had extra money last month.
I was finally treading water,
Instead of drowning in debt.

Turns out, the extra money
Belonged to lots of companies.
They all charged my old card.

Boing! Boing! Boing!
The sound of charges bouncing.
No wonder I had extra money.

Oops.

So, paying double bills now.
Updating profiles everywhere.
Ah, back to drowning.

Thanks, Target.

Reality TV

I’m thinking my life should be reality TV.
I’d call it “Dogs Are Sweet But Expensive”.
No, “Wives Are Sour But Expensive.”
Maybe, “Single Was Lonely but Quiet”.

My wife will kill me when she sees this.
Wait. A cranky guy shot by a bitchy relative?
Wasn’t that one season of “Dallas”?
I may need to work on the concept.

I guess “working on the concept”
May be against the idea of reality.
We would turn on the cameras,
Then, see what happens next.

Here’s episode one as shot.
“What kind of dog is … I’m bleeding!”
We forgot Katie doesn’t like strangers.
They quickly stopped filming.

They hadn’t even met the other dogs.
They hadn’t met my wife, either.
I was a bit afraid that she would bite.
I told her she was the star, just in case.

A new cameraman eventually arrived.
The, as the crew walked down the hall,
My wife rather gently asked that
They avoid some of the rooms.

Of course, she’s Brooklyn-Italian, so
For showing on network television,
It would have to play back as
” Not in there!”

The crew followed me on my way to work,
Which was an hour of ing and crying
Down a perpetually under construction road.
The only drama was the Lexi constantly weaving.

I’m thinking we’ll get canceled.
Real reality is not that interesting.

Career Change (Not)

I was passed over for Pope.
I suppose I wasn’t surprised.
I won’t be on Late Night.
So, it’s back on the chain gang.

Someday, the perfect job will appear.
It won’t be anytime soon, I guess.
I hope it’s before I retire.
Otherwise, I may not get there.

Conference Call

If you remove the fluff,
Like “We’ll start in a minute”,
And “Who just joined?”

If you skip the endless replies
About not hearing the question,
Or “Sorry. I was on mute”.

If you forget the happy puppies,
Ignore the background spouses.
And just focus on the subject.

You may get ten minutes of value
For an hour-long call.
Why do we do this?

Heartbreak

The first time someone breaks your heart,
It’s bad, but it will heal.
The next time someone breaks your heart,
That’s when it breaks for real.

My woman broke my heart,
She knows she did me wrong.
She took everything I ever had,
But at least I got this song.

When my woman left me.
All I had left was tears.
I finally met my one true love,
But lost my music career.

Lost At Sea

Sailing to Europe,
Will take over a week.
Onboard, it’s all quiet,
Your phone doesn’t shriek.

That’s a major benefit
Of being at sea.
You can be connected,
Or you can be free.

A ship is not like a plane,
Where you arrive hours later.
Trips are measured in days.
Whether cruise ship or freighter.

I used to ride trains,
Traveled from coast to coast.
Speed of 79 miles per hour,
That was the most.

I drive faster than that when I’m late for work. Unless you’re a police officer.

With “pedal to the metal”,
A ship might do 20 knots.
That’s 23 miles per hour.
Which is “slow” in some spots.

Flying home just last month,
We were doing 20 knots in a jet.
We were taxiing to the runway.
Since we weren’t flying yet.

So, a cruise isn’t quick,
It can take quite a while.
But that’s not always bad.
You’ll arrive with a smile.

Commercials

When I was (much) younger,
All TV shows had commercials.
They interrupted at key points.
It was really annoying.

We didn’t even have remotes.
If you wanted to change the channel,
You needed to get off of the couch,
Or a little brother.

Thank goodness for progress.
Today, many of us now have DVRs.
Now, we can skip over commercials.
Fast-Forward. Zip. Zip.

It’s fun.

The only problem I have
Is not knowing what time
Any of my shows are actually on.
I never watch live any more.

So, now, commercials don’t work as well.
Companies have to move to new tactics.
Today, we have product placement.
It is only subliminally annoying.

I was thinking about this yesterday.
I was stuck in traffic in my Ford Edge.
The built-in GPS found me a new route.
All cars should be this well-engineered.

After I got home, I realized something.
I hate the idea of product placement.
It’s usually not done very well.
It’s just not very subtle.