Sixty

Raise a glass, shed a tear, I’m getting old, the end is near.

Happy Birthday to me.
I’ll just watch some TV.
We’re all still on lockdown.
Happy Birthday to me.

I planned a little birthday trip,
It would’ve been quite fun.
Now, we’re quarantined at home,
The trip has been undone.

Sixty will be a Facetime birthday.
“It’s fun!”, my dear wife said.
I’ll see my brother’s smiling face,
And the top of my Mom’s head.

Happy Birthday to me.
I loathe Twenty-Twenty.
I’m going stir-crazy,
Happy Birthday to me.

Alien Abduction

It’s the God’s honest truth.
You can ask my wife, Ruth.
I was abducted.
I flew into space.

I can still barely speak,
And it happened last week.
Up to a spacecraft.
Up in outer space.

I car pooled to my job,
With my dear old friend Rob.
When we saw something
Flash on the roadside.

We both got out to look,
Ended up on a hook,
And a tractor beam
Took us into space.

I felt close to my death,
As I struggled for breath.
I started to pray,
Rob just wet his pants.

The craft was long and wide,
It was shiny inside.
There were aliens
At least three or four.

The boss was a large blob,
Who was poking at Rob.
While a tall female
Kept poking at me.

There was a silver tray,
With bodies on display.
They were the  victims
So, I just played dead.

A woman measured Rob,
Who’s a bit of a slob,
And she handed him 
To one with a knife.

I made myself seem small,
And I’m not really tall.
The boss measured me
And looked very sad.

Said, “He’s eight inches, Bill”
“But I would keep him still.”
Then, I heard Bill say,
“He’s over the side.”

The alien dropped me.
And as I floated free,
I wondered what had
Happened to poor Rob.

I gently floated down.
Finally landed in town.
Then, I didn’t know 
What I should do next.

I went on into work,
But I felt like a jerk.
So I went back home,
And cried in my bed.

So, a lesson hard-won,
To remember, my son.
Don’t always believe 
Everything you see.

While something looks nice,
You must always think twice.
While worms are tasty,
They’re not from the sea.

Self-Isolation

Bored.
Oh, Lord.
I’m bored.

Working at home.
(Like I was before.)
Let me explain.

In January,
I broke my ankle.
Broke my foot as well.
The doctor asked,
“This was one fall?”

Splint, boot, cast, boot.
My doctor said I should stay off it.
Avoid traveling.

So, I was stuck at home.
My wife said, “At least you work at home.”

Annoyed.
Very annoyed.
But it was my fault.

April,
I can walk!
I’m free at last!
Bad timing.

Everyone said,
“Stay home!”
“Avoid everyone!”
“Work at home!”
“Don’t travel!”

So, it’s pretty much
Like breaking my foot again.
Except I didn’t.

So, I’m annoyed.
And, I’m bored.
Oh, Lord.
I’m bored.

Sailing

We should be on a ship,
Sailing across the sea.
Yet, we’re stuck at home,
Bored as we can be.

The living room’s our Lido Deck,
But there isn’t much to do.
We don’t have any contests,
There isn’t any pool.

Our buffet is open all day long,
It’s called the kitchen here.
There’s not a wide selection,
And bars don’t have any beer.

We can go out on excursions,
Just like on any cruise.
It’s now a bit like gambling,
With just your life to lose.

The back porch is our balcony,
The back yard’s our open sea,
The view just never changes,
We’re docked at Homestead Quay.