Category: Blind John Ellsworth

Slot Pull 

A slot pull is a way to become rich.
That is the theory.
Actually, it’s the co-ed softball
of the casino.

In co-ed softball,
When the team loses,
The men say
The women hit like girls.
The women say
The men are all frustrated jocks.
Everyone laughes.

In a slot pull,
Instead of losing money alone,
You lose it on a team.

We turned $15 each into $7 each!
Now, this may seem like we
Each lost 8 bucks.

However, if everyone had shown up,
And if someone would have played left-handed,
We’d all be millionaires.

Everyone laughes.

Recycled

My name is Bob,
And I’m a can.
Just an aluminum tube,
That distributes stuff.

I’ve carried good beer
To Germany and Australia,
I’ve carried weak beer
All over the USA.

I took sweet tea to Raliegh,
I took wine to San Jose.
I took soda everywhere.

So, lots of good contents
Went to lots of places.
It’s basically the same job,
But adapted to changing needs.

But my new bosses hate recycling.
They’re allergic to all old cans.
They only want new aluminum,
And they like imported, not domestic.

So, I’ve been trashed.
Kicked to the curb.
I can still carry things,
But I’m not good enough anymore.

It was fun while it lasted.
I just don’t understand.
If your customers are in the USA,
Why are your cans in India?

A Young Millennial’s Prayer

Well, the letters to Santa never worked. Let’s try the modern way.

Sometimes, true stories can make a good poem. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, actually. For those of us who wrote Santa every year and got squat, it’s disconcerting to know that the youngest generation can get pretty much anything on-demand.

Alexa, I need four pounds of cookies,
The ones my Mommy refuses to buy.
I don’t know why she hates cookies.
I even tried starting to cry.

Alexa, please send me a dollhouse.
My dolls are all out on the street.
My brother said they’re like hookers,
I just want them out of the heat.

I know you need my Daddy’s password.
It’s 11-15, I think.
It’s the day before they were married.
He said it’s the last day his life didn’t stink.

Mommy and Daddy are cranky.
They bitch about their age all the time.
That’s why I love you Alexa,
At least you’re still in your prime.

Turquoise 

Seventeen years ago …

Seventeen years, and we’ve learned a lot.
Mostly, I’ve learned a lot,
And most of that was about pets.
So it goes.

I’ve learned that big families are not strange.
(Though some of the members may be.)
I’ve learned that garlic goes in everything.
But I still won’t put it in my tea.

If you want to sleep until 11am,
Just put the dogs to bed at three.
(This requires being awake at three.)
When you walk around barefoot,
You will always find the pee.

A dog is your companion,
A dog will win your hearts.
However, most critically,
A dog takes blame for your farts.

Speaking of emissions,
If you ever gently break wind,
And your dogs all flee the room,
Just realize you have sinned.

Your dog will always be close to you.
Nobody is as faithful as Rover.
He gravitates to anything with your scent.
Always turn your pillow over.

You will notice that eventually,
Everyone in your family gets the same diseases.
So, take good notes the first time around,
And always avoid the one that sneezes.

Ellie’s Blues

Editor’s Note: Sometimes, even a bluesman visits his family. The joys of grandchildren climbing all over you is generally followed by a rare, short-term but hellish disease.

Ellie’s cold is killing me.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Snot as far as I can see.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose),
Gonna run all day.
I need some antihistamines.
I need to get away.

The kids’ house is a haz-mat site.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Boogers running day and night.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose)
Gonna run all day.
I’m back home in Dallas now.
With a blocked airway.