Walking down the Seco Creek,
Searching for my dreams.
They’ve dried up, like all this sand,
Like so many other streams.
Wondering where I went wrong,
And what I could have changed.
I’m at the age where it’s too late,
For my life to be rearranged.
Maybe the secret is to settle,
Just accept what’s done is done.
Your dreams may all have passed away,
But there’s still time to have some fun.
Ouch.
Damn.
I hate April 15th.
I don’t mind paying for NASA.
We need all our armed forces.
We need trains and highways.
We should protect our resources.
Some of the rest is a waste.
The TSA is worthless.
They don’t make us feel secure.
Tell airlines, “It’s your problem.”
That could be a cure.
Need a job?
Don’t shed another tear.
Go be a farmer in Mexico.
(All their farmers are here.)
The best way to save money?
How to shrink the budget’s girth?
It’s really very simple.
Just pay Congress what they’re worth.
I feel very secure these days.
My bank canceled my card,
Even though I didn’t go to Target.
I had extra money last month.
I was finally treading water,
Instead of drowning in debt.
Turns out, the extra money
Belonged to lots of companies.
They all charged my old card.
Boing! Boing! Boing!
The sound of charges bouncing.
No wonder I had extra money.
Oops.
So, paying double bills now.
Updating profiles everywhere.
Ah, back to drowning.
Thanks, Target.
I’m thinking my life should be reality TV.
I’d call it “Dogs Are Sweet But Expensive”.
No, “Wives Are Sour But Expensive.”
Maybe, “Single Was Lonely but Quiet”.
My wife will kill me when she sees this.
Wait. A cranky guy shot by a bitchy relative?
Wasn’t that one season of “Dallas”?
I may need to work on the concept.
I guess “working on the concept”
May be against the idea of reality.
We would turn on the cameras,
Then, see what happens next.
Here’s episode one as shot.
“What kind of dog is … I’m bleeding!”
We forgot Katie doesn’t like strangers.
They quickly stopped filming.
They hadn’t even met the other dogs.
They hadn’t met my wife, either.
I was a bit afraid that she would bite.
I told her she was the star, just in case.
A new cameraman eventually arrived.
The, as the crew walked down the hall,
My wife rather gently asked that
They avoid some of the rooms.
Of course, she’s Brooklyn-Italian, so
For showing on network television,
It would have to play back as
” Not in there!”
The crew followed me on my way to work,
Which was an hour of ing and crying
Down a perpetually under construction road.
The only drama was the Lexi constantly weaving.
I’m thinking we’ll get canceled.
Real reality is not that interesting.
I was passed over for Pope.
I suppose I wasn’t surprised.
I won’t be on Late Night.
So, it’s back on the chain gang.
Someday, the perfect job will appear.
It won’t be anytime soon, I guess.
I hope it’s before I retire.
Otherwise, I may not get there.
Sailing to Europe,
Will take over a week.
Onboard, it’s all quiet,
Your phone doesn’t shriek.
That’s a major benefit
Of being at sea.
You can be connected,
Or you can be free.
A ship is not like a plane,
Where you arrive hours later.
Trips are measured in days.
Whether cruise ship or freighter.
I used to ride trains,
Traveled from coast to coast.
Speed of 79 miles per hour,
That was the most.
I drive faster than that when I’m late for work. Unless you’re a police officer.
With “pedal to the metal”,
A ship might do 20 knots.
That’s 23 miles per hour.
Which is “slow” in some spots.
Flying home just last month,
We were doing 20 knots in a jet.
We were taxiing to the runway.
Since we weren’t flying yet.
So, a cruise isn’t quick,
It can take quite a while.
But that’s not always bad.
You’ll arrive with a smile.
When I was (much) younger,
All TV shows had commercials.
They interrupted at key points.
It was really annoying.
We didn’t even have remotes.
If you wanted to change the channel,
You needed to get off of the couch,
Or a little brother.
Thank goodness for progress.
Today, many of us now have DVRs.
Now, we can skip over commercials.
Fast-Forward. Zip. Zip.
It’s fun.
The only problem I have
Is not knowing what time
Any of my shows are actually on.
I never watch live any more.
So, now, commercials don’t work as well.
Companies have to move to new tactics.
Today, we have product placement.
It is only subliminally annoying.
I was thinking about this yesterday.
I was stuck in traffic in my Ford Edge.
The built-in GPS found me a new route.
All cars should be this well-engineered.
After I got home, I realized something.
I hate the idea of product placement.
It’s usually not done very well.
It’s just not very subtle.
Today, I work with computers,
I’m in a tiny cubicle every day.
We have lots of useless meetings,
And there’s never time to play.
I’d much rather be a pirate,
Who would sail the Seven Seas.
My crew would conquer ocean liners,
and bring them to their knees.
I’ll climb aboard the captured ship,
And slowly draw my pirate sword.
The fearful Captain would surrender,
And my crew would come aboard.
I’ll yell, “Give me your booty!”
The passengers would go nuts.
Rich women threw their jewelry,
Ghetto women showed their butts.
We’d sail away with riches.
I’ll have millions stashed away.
Yet, I’ll be a corporate pirate,
With team meetings on Monday.
I met a distressed strawberry
Outside my local MegaMart.
He asked if I had some spare change,
While I returned my shopping cart.
He said he was from out of town.
He was lugging an empty gas can.
He was trying to get his family home.
They were really in a jam.
The cautious cynic deep inside me
Thought this was just another scam.
But he looked at me so desperately,
Then, he said his name was Sam.
I drove Sam to the closest filling station,
Where I quietly paid to fill up his can.
Then, we drove out to meet his family,
Who were truly in a jam.
I spread them on a baguette.
They were delicious.
Problem solved.
Woke up my laptop this morning,
Immediate Blue Screen of Death.
Time to go make coffee,
Then stop and catch my breath.
A cold and dead laptop.
This is not how to start a day.
Of course, it means a half-hour
To restart and pray.
I really hate Windows.
Every version seems slower.
My expectations were low,
But they’re falling still lower.
My company wants me to upgrade.
“Go to Linux”, they said.
But their products are on Windows.
It’s really hurting my head.
The coffee is ready,
My laptop is restarted.
It’s time for the morning,
Not for the faint-hearted.
Unfiltered Thoughts 