Category: Blind John Ellsworth

Mascots Again

So, we met the new mascot last night.
Scout, the big, fat AirHog blob.
He replaced Ace Bacon, the fighter pilot.
Not exactly a trade up.

Scout looks like Dodger.
I was not the only one to notice.
Dodger was a cat, not a hog.
How does a hog look like a cat?

Mascots are all becoming the same.
A triangle shape with a big bottom.
I mean freakin’ huge.

Maybe J-Lo should be a mascot.

Then, add a custom head.
Cat. Pig. Whatever.
I think this is stupid.

Mainly, because my seats are front row.
So, a huge belly-ass combo blocks my view,
While he’s trying to get the back row cheering.

If the back row doesn’t know when to cheer,
Maybe they need remedial baseball classes.
This does not require blocking my view.

I have been to games where there wasn’t a mascot.
True story.
You know what happened?
The players still played the game.

I miss Ace.
But I don’t see the point of mascots.

Mascots

It’s opening day at last.
We’re tied for first in the division.
100 games to go.

It’s a good sign when the controversy
Is what the new mascot’s name will be.

Ace Bacon is retiring.
Goodbye, Ace.
So much for all the bacon jokes.

Who knew a huge grey pig in a flight suit
Might freak out some children?

No matter how bad Ace may be,
He will never be the Amarillo Sox
Banana-penis mascot.

Just Google it.

Pledge Drive

Community is an interesting thing.
In Dallas, it has its own radio station.
KNON 89.3 – the Voice of the People.
Visit www.knon.org and listen online.
Better yet, pledge online.

I volunteer there.
Actually, its worse.
I am the President of the Board.

Can you imagine?
I’m supposed to be the voice of reason.
This will not end well.

People confuse us with commercial radio.
We’re not.
We can’t run commercials.
This is bad from a money perspective,
But good from a we-play-what-the-hell-we-want perspective.

They play Top 40.
We play bottom billion.
One of my DJs said that.
I love that statement.

KNON is the station where we play really good songs,
And SoundHound says “I have no idea what that song is.”
Bottom billion, baby.

People confuse “community” with “public”.
Public radio is NPR and PBS.
They have something we would like.
Money.

PBS is partially government-funded. So is NPR.
Your tax dollars at work.
So, you’re taxed for it and then you’re asked to donate.
Wow.

We’re not government-funded.
We’re community-funded.
That’s you.
Your tax dollars are further up the dial.
You’re not listening to them.

They have pledge drives.
You get gifts.
We have pledge drives.
You get KNON swag.

If you see anyone with a KNON shirt,
They’ve given us a donation.
It’s the only way to get one.
So, thank them for their donation.

Their pledge drive is very official.
It may be a call center somewhere.
Not that there’s anything wrong with call centers.

Our pledge drive is a volunteer
Who is telling the DJ to “shut up”
So she can hear the pledger on the phone.
She and the DJ are in the same room.

I was trying to spell my last name.
On the phone with a volunteer.
And I finally just said,
“Tell Dave it’s President Kevin. He’ll know the rest.”
That’s community radio.
Try that with any other radio station.

Best KNON pledge drive line ever:
“If you get a busy signal, you called the wrong damn number, because nobody’s calling.”
I heard that yesterday.
I have never been so proud of my DJs.

On PBS, you pledge to feel superior to your neighbors.
On KNON, you pledge to get the DJ to stop singing REM in the style of Bon Jovi.
I had to do that this morning.

Which sounds like more fun?
Which sounds more like you?

Spring Pledge Drive is almost over.
Pledge online. Now.

Religion & Politics

Religion and Politics don’t mix.
The latest proof was in North Miami.
Someone said Jesus endorsed her for Mayor.
She finished last.
Dead last.

She got fifty-six votes.
Twelve votes would have been symbolic.
Fifty-six is just sad.

She finished seventh.
There must be six other Messiahs
That are more involved in local politics.

Football players always thank God
After they win a difficult game.
I think the “after” part is key.

Perhaps if you depend on God for wins,
You should wait until you achieve victory.
Just in case.

Otherwise, you make Him look uninterested.
And you make yourself look a bit crazy.

Writer’s Block

Well, it’s been over a month, 
So it was bound to happen sometime.
Writer’s Block.

I have no ideas today.
It may be that I need a nap.
Maybe I ate too much pizza.

Whatever.

I was going to write about aspirin.
How it solves many problems.
That’s how blocked I am.

How does it enlarge arteries
And fix headaches or backaches,
And know which one to do when taken? 

After that, I was thinking about a friend of mine
Who may need back surgery. 
I was told he needs work on his L4. 
That’s medical-speak for some bone.

At the Italian place we had lunch,
L4 is Spaghetti and Meatballs. 

I don’t think spaghetti
Would be a good replacement
For a human vertebra. 
Just sayin’. 

So, I may not write anything today.
However, I just wrote that I may not write anything, 
So that’s something. 

Is that irony? 

Tomorrow, I will have a better idea.
Or, I will have to put out a greatest hits album.
That’s the other solution to a well of ideas run dry.
However, it requires having hits.
Sigh.

I’d better start thinking about tomorrow. 

Volunteering

Volunteering is a wonderful human trait.
You help others for no expected return.
You do feel good about yourself.
More importantly, someone gets helped.

Someone could be a person or an animal.

I live with a volunteer, in fact.
Anything needs rescuing?
Anything needs cooking?
Anything needs watching?
Anything at all?
She’s got it covered.
She’s on it.

This can be quite painful.
I am the spouse of a volunteer.
The military term is “in the cross-fire.“
If anything goes amiss, I will hear about it.
I may even be blamed for it.
If nothing else, I will be impacted.
The military term is “slight negative impact.”
Like a bomb hitting the wrong house.
Oops.

This seems unfair.

So many people do good in the world.
Some do a little, some do a lot.
There are lots of people needing help, as well.
So, maybe  it’s time to let someone new step up.

So, I beg you (again.)
The next time an opportunity arises.
The next time you can jump in and save the day.
Do one thing for me.
Shut up.

Sleep

It’s a quiet morning.
Everyone got up for a potty break.
Then, everyone went back to bed.
Everyone except me.

I can’t.

Once I’m awake, that’s it.
I stay awake.
My wife says the same thing.
I will remind her when she wakes up.
For the second or third time today.

My dogs appreciate my not going back to sleep.
Then, they can inherit my side of the bed.
Secretly, they try to wake my wife.
Half a king size bed is not enough space,
If there is a whole one available
For the price of a couple of licks and growls.

So, instead of sleep, I drink coffee
To the sound of a snoring Shih-Tzu
Who is too short to get on the bed.
She has a pillow. She’s happy.

I would like to sleep like my dogs.
Instantly. Any time. Anywhere.
Give a dog a pillow and he’s out.
Hell, give a dog a floor and he’s out.

They are storing energy for when it’s needed.
There is going to be a major crisis someday.
At least we will have stored dog energy against it.
Whatever the crisis may be.

If dogs could talk,
If you asked a question,
Any question at all,
The answer would probably be,
“Let me sleep on it.”

Ping

“Ping” goes the computer.
All bloody day long.
It means I have new email.
That little one-note song.

I haven’t heard it for weeks.
My computer stayed at home.
I didn’t really miss it.
It was quiet while I roamed.

Now, it’s back.
Back with a vengeance, I’d say.
I’m going to have to mute the speakers.
I’ll turn the volume back Monday.