Category: Blind John Ellsworth

Preservation

At home, it seems that
We move our old things to museums.
Then, we can reuse the space for malls.
You can never have enough malls.

In some places (like England),
They move ancient things to museums, but
Their old things are just used.
They are preserved, not for history,
But because they still work.

Castles, for instance.
Cathedrals, where the religion may change,
But the church still stands.
Pubs, too.

Manifest Destiny caused Planned Obsolescence.
If you’re going to go West (young man) anyway,
Your stuff doesn’t have to last quite as long.

It’s sad that we build things we know won’t last.
Everything would be higher quality if we expected
Generations of descendants to use them, as well.

Next time you build a house, try this.
Think “My great-grandchildren will live here.”
Think “People will visit here in 300 years.”
(Thinking “I need a wall to keep the French out” is optional.)

New House

I have a house in Dallas,
A roof above my head,
But after time in Europe,
I’d like a castle, please, instead.

My neighbors all Drive Friendly,
I drive by, they wave to me,
I still think I’d like to have a moat,
For a little privacy.

I should buy a ranch in Texas,
200 acres of empty land.
Then, I could have formal gardens
Of cactus, mesquite and sand.

I don’t need knights in shining armor,
Servants, damsels or a Yule log.
Just a castle on the prairie,
With a room for every dog.

Actually, servants would be nice.

British Food

This pie has meat.
Savory, not sweet.
Pie with meat that’s not quiche.

This pudding is almost cake.
You don’t cook it, you bake.
And Yorkshire pudding
Requires brown gravy and onions.

The beer is warm (and it’s really ale.)
Other drinks have little ice without fail.
So, sadly, no iced tea, except in bottles.

I guess since ice brought the Titanic down,
They don’t gather too much ice around.
Like in a glass.

Fries are really chips,
And chips are really crisps.
Other than that,
It’s just like home.

Oh. Except over here,
Spotted Dick needs ice cream,
And not penicillin.

JFK

I speak not of the President,
But of the airport of the same name.
We lost the President in 1963,
But he may be in better shape.

The airport is a dump.
I hope dumps are not offended.
It’s like some New Yorker
Visited Newark Airport,  and said,
“Liberty-Shiberty, we can beat this.”

I’ve often wondered if peoples
Landing here from everywhere,
Find themselves suddenly homesick.
For the Third World.

Seriously, people.
Gateways should make you say “Wow!”
The two I’ve seen make me say “Ick!”
(And I’m not a neatnik.)

Let’s clean up our gateways.
Let’s make a good first impression.
Let’s get them in the country
Before the first “Ick”.

Away From The Office

Away from the office,
A glorious place to be.
It doesn’t matter where you are,
It maters where you aren’t.

Voicemail and Email are updated,
So everyone knows your backups,
However,
I think everyone knows
It’s really just gloating.

So, don’t call me.
I’m jut letting the crises pile up.
This way I know I have something
To work on when I get back.

Russian E-Mail Bride

Editor’s Note: From 2002, but the emails just started again.

Twice a week or more
I get e-mail in my box
Gonna change my life
Meet me a Russian fox

Russian E-mail Bride
Now I can’t let go
She don’t know much English
So she can’t say ‘no’

My friends all tell me
That she’s the best.
She wrestles with the weak ones,
And out-drinks the rest.

Russian E-Mail Bride,
Won’t you please call home?
I have a fifth of vodka
But I’m all alone.

Cube Farm

A cube farm is a very productive place.
Not in terms of work, since there are meetings,
But in terms of raw crop production.

In many farms, there are two harvests,
Spring crops and others in the Fall.
Some farms only have one.
(Shine on, harvest moon.)

In a cube farm, there are four harvests.
Each one happens a week or so after quarterly reports.
The numbers come out from the headquarters,
Then, it’s “Hey, has anyone seen Bill?”

A cube farm is probably the only farm
That has going-away parties for its crops.
Other farms just load crops in the truck
And ship them off to market.

Jet Lag

I suffer from jet lag when I fly east or west.
North or south is not as bad.
Probably because the time doesn’t change.

Sometimes, even on short trips,
Where I may only be an hour off,
I can’t get used to the new time.
(I always miss the Seinfeld reruns, for example.)

I used to get really disoriented in California
But that may not be the time change.
It could be any number of other factors.
No offense, California.

Short trips are sometimes the worst,
Since you’re almost but not quite home.
Longer trips, there is no way you will think
You’re anywhere close to your home time.

Of course, on some really long trips,
You will have to sleep in the middle of the day.
Don’t ever calculate what time it is at home.
You may just fall asleep wherever you are.

I used to be able to sleep on the plane,
Which is the best way to combat jet lag,
Then I told people, “I always sleep on the plane”,
And after that, I couldn’t do it any more. 

I decided to practice for a long-haul trip this morning.
Every time I changed major roads driving to the office,
I moved my car’s clock ahead an hour.
Turn at a major intersection, change to the next time zone.

This was a really good simulation of jet lag.
I drove across five time zones from home to work.
Five hours difference in one drive.

Naturally, I was late for all of my morning meetings.
I didn’t even have time to have my coffee.
This would have been a major work-life issue,
However, it was time to go home at lunch.

Anticipation

When you are young,
Nothing comes slower than Christmas.
Assuming you are Christian,
And your parents buy you gifts.
(Santa may or may not be involved.)

When you are older,
Nothing comes slower than summer.
Assuming you go to school,
And your parents don’t make you work.

When you are a grown-up,
Nothing comes slower than vacation,
And you need a day off beforehand to plan,
And a couple of days off afterwards to relax.

So, when you book your vacation,
Make sure you have days on either side blocked.
Otherwise you end up with 5pm meetings,
Conference calls, and other stresses.

I am probably going to need vacation,
To recover from my vacation.
But I can’t afford to be away that long.
That is stressful in itself.

Vacations should not cause stress.
But they usually do.
I miss summer.
I miss Christmas.
I’m late for a meeting.

Vacation Packing

It’s vacation time at last.
The tedious part is the packing.
Women start this three or four days early.
Men start when the taxi pulls in the drive.
This is not the only difference in the sexes.

Women need three or four outfits per day.
Morning, afternoon, (afternoon tea), evening.
Men need one pair of pants for dinners, shorts for day.
Maybe an extra shirt per day in case he gets sweaty.
Maybe.
(Hotels do laundry, you know.)

So, women need about one suitcase for every three days.
This is why in college, when I picked up a weekend visitor,
She had a steamer trunk.
It took up most of my Mustang.
My arms still hurt.
(She did look nicely dressed.)

Airlines charge for extra luggage.
I’m getting my checkbook ready.
This is a ten-day trip, so my wife
Will have a ton of luggage.
Literally.
(Eisenhower had less for D-Day.)

I have my carry-on.
I have more electronics than clothes.
I’m ready.