Category: Random Thoughts

Slot Pull 

A slot pull is a way to become rich.
That is the theory.
Actually, it’s the co-ed softball
of the casino.

In co-ed softball,
When the team loses,
The men say
The women hit like girls.
The women say
The men are all frustrated jocks.
Everyone laughes.

In a slot pull,
Instead of losing money alone,
You lose it on a team.

We turned $15 each into $7 each!
Now, this may seem like we
Each lost 8 bucks.

However, if everyone had shown up,
And if someone would have played left-handed,
We’d all be millionaires.

Everyone laughes.

A Young Millennial’s Prayer

Well, the letters to Santa never worked. Let’s try the modern way.

Sometimes, true stories can make a good poem. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, actually. For those of us who wrote Santa every year and got squat, it’s disconcerting to know that the youngest generation can get pretty much anything on-demand.

Alexa, I need four pounds of cookies,
The ones my Mommy refuses to buy.
I don’t know why she hates cookies.
I even tried starting to cry.

Alexa, please send me a dollhouse.
My dolls are all out on the street.
My brother said they’re like hookers,
I just want them out of the heat.

I know you need my Daddy’s password.
It’s 11-15, I think.
It’s the day before they were married.
He said it’s the last day his life didn’t stink.

Mommy and Daddy are cranky.
They bitch about their age all the time.
That’s why I love you Alexa,
At least you’re still in your prime.

Turquoise 

Seventeen years ago …

Seventeen years, and we’ve learned a lot.
Mostly, I’ve learned a lot,
And most of that was about pets.
So it goes.

I’ve learned that big families are not strange.
(Though some of the members may be.)
I’ve learned that garlic goes in everything.
But I still won’t put it in my tea.

If you want to sleep until 11am,
Just put the dogs to bed at three.
(This requires being awake at three.)
When you walk around barefoot,
You will always find the pee.

A dog is your companion,
A dog will win your hearts.
However, most critically,
A dog takes blame for your farts.

Speaking of emissions,
If you ever gently break wind,
And your dogs all flee the room,
Just realize you have sinned.

Your dog will always be close to you.
Nobody is as faithful as Rover.
He gravitates to anything with your scent.
Always turn your pillow over.

You will notice that eventually,
Everyone in your family gets the same diseases.
So, take good notes the first time around,
And always avoid the one that sneezes.

Ellie’s Blues

Editor’s Note: Sometimes, even a bluesman visits his family. The joys of grandchildren climbing all over you is generally followed by a rare, short-term but hellish disease.

Ellie’s cold is killing me.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Snot as far as I can see.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose),
Gonna run all day.
I need some antihistamines.
I need to get away.

The kids’ house is a haz-mat site.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Boogers running day and night.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose)
Gonna run all day.
I’m back home in Dallas now.
With a blocked airway.

Meetings

Lord, how I hate meetings.

Here’s what you will often hear,
When you are trapped in a meeting.
The worst are the ones where everybody
Has to go around and update status.

Many people are very gifted at status updates.
They can make their project seem very important.
Golly! That project requires a lot of people.
I wish I had a project like that!

Most of those reports
Do not make me wish for that project.
They make me wish I had a vodka tonic.
Maybe three.

Here’s an example, which is close to real-life:

“At this point, we are waiting for the brand team,
Who are currently in their quarterly update meetings,
The results of which are due at the end of the month.
After those updates are validated and certified,
Our team will negotiate the use of their results,
Which will save us approximately three weeks.
If we do not get to use their results,
We will spend two weeks producing our own.
The hardware is still on back-order at this time,
But we’re expecting updates from the Singapore team,
Perhaps as early as next week,
Depending on whether the local holiday slows production.
Those delivery updates will help us revise the final schedule,
Which will be then communicated at that time.
Once the hardware is in place in the lab,
We will be able to estimate the time required
To install and patch the base-level software,
Although we are considering just
Moving development to the cloud,
Which might require a retro-fit and design update.
We are on hold for the marketing team,
Who is completing the new brand marketing plan.
This will require us to update our labeling.
We may also have to update our documentation.
We have been in close contact with the other developers,
To make sure that all of our APIs are consistent.
We are also mapping to the original specifications,
Rather than the updates from the previous manager.”

This means:

“There’s been no change since last week.”

Taking Flight

Learning to fly

A frazzled Mama Bird said
“I know what would be best.”
Then she smiled at Baby Bird,
And kicked him out the nest.

As he headed towards the ground,
You could almost hear him mutter,
“I’m not sure that I can fly.”
“Right now, I seem to flutter.”

Then, he saw four dogs.
From the corner of his eye.
Baby Bird said in a panic,
“I believe I can fly.”

Hank, The Towering Lilac

A tree is just a tree.

Once upon a time, in California,
There lived a giant redwood, named Hank.
Hank was a proud tree,
But something bothered him.

One day, Hank bravely said,
“I’m a lilac bush, dammit!”
All the other redwoods had a good laugh,
But Hank insisted.

One by one, the other trees
Decided that if Hank believed
He was a lilac bush,
It must be true.

A couple of the trees still
Thought Hank might be crazy.
But, they decided that silence
Might help keep the peace.

Many trees were happy to have
A different kind of plant
In the midst of the forest.
Hank, their own lilac bush.

In the Spring, all the trees
Watched their lilac, waiting
They all wanted to see Hank bloom.
They waited and hoped.

It was a very long wait.
They could hear Hank straining
As he tried to produce flowers.
Pushing as hard as he could.

Finally, a wise old owl
Landed on the lilac bush.
The owl looked at Hank.
The owl said, “You’re a redwood, dumbass.”

Responsorial Psalm

Today’s Psalm is from Meetings, 9am – 10am.

Today’s psalm is from Meetings, 9am – 10am.

Our response is: “Hey! Great idea, boss!”

“I see that our standing committee has not provided any input for efficiencies. I have decided to terminate the committee.”

R: “Hey! Great idea, boss!”

“Since the committee failed, we will split the members into three working groups, who can each meet twice a week.”

R: “Hey! Great idea, boss!”

“With six times as many meetings, we are bound to find ways to be more efficient even more quickly than before.”

R: “Hey! Great idea, boss!”

Let us pray.