Category: Random Thoughts

Taxes

Ouch.
Damn.
I hate April 15th.

I don’t mind paying for NASA.
We need all our armed forces.
We need trains and highways.
We should protect our resources.

Some of the rest is a waste.

The TSA is worthless.
They don’t make us feel secure.
Tell airlines, “It’s your problem.”
That could be a cure.

Need a job?
Don’t shed another tear.
Go be a farmer in Mexico.
(All their farmers are here.)

The best way to save money?
How to shrink the budget’s girth?
It’s really very simple.
Just pay Congress what they’re worth.

Reality TV

I’m thinking my life should be reality TV.
I’d call it “Dogs Are Sweet But Expensive”.
No, “Wives Are Sour But Expensive.”
Maybe, “Single Was Lonely but Quiet”.

My wife will kill me when she sees this.
Wait. A cranky guy shot by a bitchy relative?
Wasn’t that one season of “Dallas”?
I may need to work on the concept.

I guess “working on the concept”
May be against the idea of reality.
We would turn on the cameras,
Then, see what happens next.

Here’s episode one as shot.
“What kind of dog is … I’m bleeding!”
We forgot Katie doesn’t like strangers.
They quickly stopped filming.

They hadn’t even met the other dogs.
They hadn’t met my wife, either.
I was a bit afraid that she would bite.
I told her she was the star, just in case.

A new cameraman eventually arrived.
The, as the crew walked down the hall,
My wife rather gently asked that
They avoid some of the rooms.

Of course, she’s Brooklyn-Italian, so
For showing on network television,
It would have to play back as
” Not in there!”

The crew followed me on my way to work,
Which was an hour of ing and crying
Down a perpetually under construction road.
The only drama was the Lexi constantly weaving.

I’m thinking we’ll get canceled.
Real reality is not that interesting.

Commercials

When I was (much) younger,
All TV shows had commercials.
They interrupted at key points.
It was really annoying.

We didn’t even have remotes.
If you wanted to change the channel,
You needed to get off of the couch,
Or a little brother.

Thank goodness for progress.
Today, many of us now have DVRs.
Now, we can skip over commercials.
Fast-Forward. Zip. Zip.

It’s fun.

The only problem I have
Is not knowing what time
Any of my shows are actually on.
I never watch live any more.

So, now, commercials don’t work as well.
Companies have to move to new tactics.
Today, we have product placement.
It is only subliminally annoying.

I was thinking about this yesterday.
I was stuck in traffic in my Ford Edge.
The built-in GPS found me a new route.
All cars should be this well-engineered.

After I got home, I realized something.
I hate the idea of product placement.
It’s usually not done very well.
It’s just not very subtle.

Career Change

Today, I work with computers,
I’m in a tiny cubicle every day.
We have lots of useless meetings,
And there’s never time to play.

I’d much rather be a pirate,
Who would sail the Seven Seas.
My crew would conquer ocean liners,
and bring them to their knees.

I’ll climb aboard the captured ship,
And slowly draw my pirate sword.
The fearful Captain would surrender,
And my crew would come aboard.

I’ll yell, “Give me your booty!”
The passengers would go nuts.
Rich women threw their jewelry,
Ghetto women showed their butts.

We’d sail away with riches.
I’ll have millions stashed away.
Yet, I’ll be a corporate pirate,
With team meetings on Monday.

A Stranger In Need

I met a distressed strawberry
Outside my local MegaMart.
He asked if I had some spare change,
While I returned my shopping cart.

He said he was from out of town.
He was lugging an empty gas can.
He was trying to get his family home.
They were really in a jam.

The cautious cynic deep inside me
Thought this was just another scam.
But he looked at me so desperately,
Then, he said his name was Sam.

I drove Sam to the closest filling station,
Where I quietly paid to fill up his can.
Then, we drove out to meet his family,
Who were truly in a jam.

I spread them on a baguette.
They were delicious.
Problem solved.

Leaving Early

I’m stuck at the office again.
I was going to leave an hour ago.
One thing after another arose.
A dozen “just one more thing to go.”

Traffic is building up outside.
Each minute here adds ten to the drive.
I might as well just stay here now.
I’ll never make it home alive.

It doesn’t matter your position,
From leader down to clerk.
The only way to leave the office early,
Is to never go to work.

Insomnia

I can’t sleep any more.
I can’t sleep any less.
I’m staring at the ceiling.
My brain is quite the mess.

I traveled the world over.
Time zones changing every day.
Now, I’m feeling my eyelids flutter.
While I’m trying to hit the hay.

I took a nap this afternoon,
That should have done the trick.
I’m awake way past my bedtime,
Listening to my clock tick.

I’m never going to sleep again,
I’m just staying up all night.
It’s time to watch infomercials.
I’ve given up the fight.

I’m in this over my head,
I’m in this thing too deep.
The only cure for insomnia
is a good night’s sleep.

Ashes to Ashes

I have the idea for a chorus, and then it turned into a bunch of related choruses, but I have no idea what the verses would be. I was thinking if I wrote it down, it might help. So far, it hasn’t.

Steve Earle has a song called “Ashes to Ashes” on his “Jerusalem” album, I heard another song that uses the phrase on KNON yesterday (Thank you, Texas Renegade Radio!), and it is a great phrase for a country song, as are many Biblical phrases.

I’m beginning to think you just call this “Ashes to Ashes” and just use all the choruses as they are, and declared them verses. I suppose they should be in alphabetical order, but that may be trying to hard.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Before I could drive,
I had to be bussed.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Yeast, water and flour
Make your daily crust.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
I dropped the coffee,
And how Daddy cussed.

Ashes to ashes, 
Dust to dust.
It’s fire for the wicked,
And joy for the just.

(Editor’s note: that is the only one someone might actually use. I really like it.)

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Out of all of my sins,
I’ve suffered most for my lust.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If you want good wine,
You have to age the must.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
Hasn’t rained in forever,
So what caused all this rust?

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
The last thing to break
Is another man’s trust.

<last chorus, only makes sense live, why do I hear Jim or Jason sing this?>

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
There’s a woman down front
With a mighty fine bust.