Category: Pain

Resource Action

I did not get fired this week.
Neither did most of my friends.
Some of my friends were told
They should find new jobs.
Immediately.

One was told she had four weeks
To find a job outside the company.
Excuse me, if you’re terminated,
Don’t you have the rest of your life?

I suppose this is a kinder, gentler firing.
At least for the managers.
If it’s a resource action,
You don’t have to fire anyone.
Some resources just got moved.
Away.

I hate MBA-speak.
You fired the poor bastards.
They are not resources.
They are people.
Grow a pair.

Also, I know the jobs are different,
But it’s still a bit uncool
To be hiring outsiders
During a resource action.
Just sayin’.

Wait. I have a question.

Can you kill someone in the audience?
Say, if you were in a work presentation,
And somebody asked a lot of questions.
I mean, a whole lot of questions.

Here’s the tricky part to consider.
The questions have to be really inane.
This is determined by the length of time
Required to answer the question.
Also, by the length of time
Required to get back on topic.

The simple way to tell is by the hair
On the back of the speakers’ neck.
If it’s standing up, congratulations.
You are not alone in your annoyance.

So, should I do the speaker a favor,
And choke the questioner?
Or do I just wait for someone else?
I’m confused about the protocol.

This is why people sleep in meetings.
It’s self-defense against idiots.

Silence Is Golden

I had a great closing line for a poem today.
I just couldn’t come up with the lines before it.
Then, I realized my brain was probably protecting me.
Sometimes, the brain knows best.

Sometimes, it’s best not to write anything at all.
Especially when you realize it may be slander.
Then, you realize it’s actually libel, since
Slander is said.

Always remember slander is said. Both start with “S”.

See how I’ve managed to distract you from the point?
Now you will wonder who was going to be libeled.
You will have to just keep wondering.

I would slander the person in question,
But only after enough drinks.
That way, I could speak freely,
And nobody would remember.

Slander is safer. 

Another mnemonic.

So, there was something useful from all this crap.

Perhaps.

First Class Blues

Editor’s Note: What would happen if some old bluesman from the Delta had actually made a lot of money before he died, and not just after some British guy covered one of his songs? 

First Class Blues

I’m sufferin’, Lord, I’m near the end.
I’m sufferin’, Lord, I’m near the end.
I’m in an aisle seat, no window,
And their only Scotch is just a blend.

Please come save me, Lord, from this storm.
Please come save me, Lord, from this storm.
My mixed nuts are mostly almonds,
And those are barely warm.

Help me, Lord, I feel a fool.
Help me, Lord, I feel a fool.
There’s no mo’ steak, there’s only chicken.
And the cold shrimp cocktail’s barely cool.

Steel me, Lord, for my final stand.
Steel me, Lord, for my final stand.
My wine was spilled and sticky,
And there’s no hot towels to cleanse my hand.

Save me, Lord, I must repeat.
Save me, Lord, I must repeat.
I went down to the crossroads,
But at twenty-seven thousand feet.

Hear me, Lord, I’m sore afraid.
(I said) Hear me, Lord, I’m sore afraid.
I used up all my coupons,
This was my last upgrade.

Toothache

I’m going to the dentist today.
I haven’t been in a couple of years.
Mainly, because it’s annoying, but also
My old dentist dropped my insurance.

If you want to save money on a dentist,
He has to take your insurance.
Otherwise, you can get gouged.
Or, you can just not go and save even more.

However, I have to go because I have a toothache.
It’s not really a toothache, it’s just sensitive to cold.
Unfortunately, I like ice. And cold drinks.
It’s time to have it checked. Annoying.

I have to do tons of paperwork
To start a new dentist.
It’s online so I can print it out.
That’s partial automation.

I print it on paper and fill it out.
I take the paper to a smiling person.
They type it back into their computer.
Hmm. This does not seem efficient.

I suppose since I’m going to the dentist,
My teeth should be brushed first.
This is much like my wife cleaning the house
The night before the maid arrives.

I haven’t been to the dentist in a couple of years.
Somebody said you brush your teeth three minutes a day.
This means that I should have started brushing
About thirty-six and a half hours ago.

Birthday Blues

I really don’t like my birthday much anymore.
I’m not really sure why, it used to be fun.
(I think it used to be fun.)
As I got older, it got less meaningful.
Is there that much difference between 52 and 53?

When you’re young, you’re the center of attention.
As you age, your kids are there,
Then your grandkids join in,
And, face it, they outrank you.
Plus, now you’re paying for your own parties sometimes.

Unfortunately, I was born the day after taxes are due,
So, once I got married (and divorced and remarried),
I had just spent three to five weekends or more
Calculating how little money we had and how much we had spent.
Worrying about wives and kids spending too much on you
Will always take much of the joy out of presents.

Also, presents get more expensive over time.
A Hot Wheels Lamborghini costs a lot less than a real one.
Not that anyone is ever going to buy me a real one.
Or even a Smart car.
(Mom-in-law did buy me a remote-control Mustang once. She was cool.)

What do you want for your birthday?
“A pony! A pony!” says someone under fifteen.
Over forty, it becomes something like:
“I would like to finally be out of debt. ” or
“I would like  my tests to be negative.”

Growing old can be really hard,
I suppose that’s why we still celebrate birthdays.
Even if they also make you think of the ones you’ve lost.
You realize someday you might be older than your relatives,
Because they’ve stopped aging.
(Stopping aging may be worse than birthdays.)

I’m having cake later today (I’m told), and
I commit to do my best to be non-grumpy,
But I’m not promising anything.
After all, I’m old. And grumpy.

I will say this –
After this year,  if everyone decides to skip my birthday,
Or move to once-per-decade celebrations,
Or just post insincere “Happy Birthday” notes on Facebook,
I’m down with that.

At least the taxes are done.