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Christmas at Home

We’ll be at home for Christmas this year, for the first time since 2007. (Technically, we were home on Christmas in 2013, but we were gone the week before.)

Fleeing for Christmas started in 2008. In 2008, my sister-in-law passed away in January, and my mother-in-law passed away in June. It was a bad year. My wife didn’t want to be home at Christmas and her brother didn’t want to be home at Christmas, either. He had a timeshare in Orlando and was taking his kids, so he invited us to go along.

Here’s the thing about Orlando – I hate Orlando. I have no love at all for Disney (never understood the attraction), and I don’t particularly like a cold swamp in December. Also, I was at IBM at the time, working for Lotus, so I was going to be in Orlando three or four weeks later for Lotusphere. Lotusphere was scheduled in Orlando in January because the weather is generally miserable, so the hotels are cheaper. So, I was not looking forward to Orlando in December.

We went. It was a nice time, in spite of the fact everyone was basically in mourning. The parks were freezing but seeing European tourists turning blue in short shorts and t-shirts who believed the “weather is always beautiful in Florida” marketing mantra was fairly amusing. We did get to see Blue Man Group – and I never realized the irony until I wrote this.

After we got home, all was quiet for a few months, and then my wife declared she didn’t just want to be home last Christmas, she didn’t want to be home at Christmas forevermore. So, I didn’t even think about “this will be expensive”, I thought, “How do I prevent ever spending Christmas in Orlando again?”

The answer: find something else to do that will be so enticing that she won’t think freezing in Florida is a good idea, even if it is with family.

That’s why in 2009, we took our first cruise. One Sunday, I Googled cruise lines, and sent information requests to all the major ones – Norwegian, Carnival, Royal Caribbean. I got emails from Carnival and Royal. Norwegian called me ten minutes later. We have a winner.

Maricela introduced herself as “my” cruise consultant and asked what I was looking for as a cruise. I said I wanted to cruise out of Galveston. She said, “We sail from New Orleans.” I found it difficult to argue with that. It’s pretty much the same port, except for the State and location, and New Orleans being almost twice as far away by car (I wanted to drive to Galveston.)

We booked the Norwegian Spirit out of New Orleans for a seven-day cruise. It was an interesting start – we got our sea legs easily, but we tended to miss dinner every night because we would get back from an excursion, decide to take a “quick nap” and wake up at 10pm. I’m not sure what was on that first cruise that made us so sleepy, but it was amazing. Somewhere along the way, I had a strange feeling I didn’t recognize. Later, I realized I was relaxed.

That started our cruising adventures that are documented here. I can help you book your cruises now, as I’m a travel advisor.

That brings us to 2020. This was not a good year to be a cruising fan. This was not a good year to be a travel advisor.

So, we’re home for Christmas. We’re having family over which will make Mom happy because when my Dad died, she refused to leave home for Christmas, even though we invited her along with us (that was the year we sailed early.) Hopefully, nobody in the family will die from having Christmas at home in 2020.

I didn’t think staying home for Christmas would have a major effect, except for being cold in Dallas instead of warm in the Caribbean. However, I’ve noticed I am getting crankier than usual (my wife may disagree), and I am certainly not relaxed.

We don’t have a cruise booked until October 2022. This is very distressing to me. We have had three cruises in a year a couple of the past years.

So, Christmas at home. For the first time in 13 years or so. Unemployed. With family. With a wife who will spend more on food for four than a cruise would have cost. I’m pretty sure this is how alcoholics get their start.

Merry Christmas!

Recurring Nightmares

NIghtmares, unicycles, pets and a universal truth.

I just woke up from a brief nap. We had fairly broken sleep last night because Katie probably has a urinary tract infection, so she was visiting the yard every couple of hours.

I woke up because I was having a nightmare. I was lost on my unicycle in my parents’ old neighborhood, which isn’t that far from here. I lived there for over ten years, and it’s not that large, so I’m not really sure how I was lost.

That’s when I realized I have been having the same recurring nightmares lately. I’m lost in a neighborhood that resembles one where I had my old paper route, or I’m lost in a neighborhood that resembles where my parents used to live. Sometimes, it has combinations of both with parts of Plano added for extra terror.

There are a few other constants in the dreams – I’m lost, I’m on foot or on a unicycle, there are rarely other people around. When I wake up, I’m still trying to find my way home.

The only true constant is I am always approached and befriended by dogs, usually three white ones, a large one that looks like a poodle, a medium-sized one that looks like a Lhasa Apso, and a small mutt.

I’m sure the white is symbolic. The sizes are just from reading Goldilocks too many times as a child. I have no idea where the unicycle popped up. I’m pretty sure my foot surgeon would frown on a unicycle since I broke my foot walking.

As to the causes. maybe it’s depression from 2020. Maybe it’s stress from being unemployed again. Maybe it’s from sleeping too much with a dog smashed against me.

However, I prefer to think it’s a reminder for everyone – dogs are often your only true friends, and dogs will love you even if you’ve lost your way.

So, a gentle reminder, especially at the holidays: pets are not good gifts. Pets are a gift that come with instant responsibilities, and long-term commitments. Don’t give a gift that brings happiness on Christmas and is in the shelter by Easter.

Most importantly, if you have a pet, love your pet. They love you, no matter what.

And stay off your unicycle. You don’t want to get lost.

Deja Vu

Instacart and flashbacks to an IT budget in the 1980s. Really.

I love Instacart. (My wife probably loves it more.) You build a list, somebody picks out your stuff, it arrives. It is a great service, pandemic or not. They are always adding stores, so they bring her groceries, they bring me booze. You can get delivery within two hours during the day. Peace in the neighborhood.

However, there is a $35 minimum before the free delivery kicks in, and sometimes you really don’t need $35 worth of stuff – you need one specific thing, but you need it in a hurry.

It’s almost Thanksgiving. My wife ordered all of the ingredients for Thanksgiving from Kroger which is really just InstaCart with additional Kroger fees. She got almost everything she wanted, plus a really large turkey. The only thing they didn’t have was pepperoni.

She tried every store around, and everyone was out. Apparently, there’s a pepperoni shortage. So, while we were on our weekly Zoom Happy Hour, I started looking at Instacart. I found Market Street – a store I had never seen around here. They had Boar’s Head pepperoni sticks. Actually, it was a featured product. The sticks were the right format and Boar’s Head was the right brand. Jackpot! (If it was in stock.)

I ordered forty-five dollars worth of pepperoni. To most people, that seems like an insane amount, but it really just proves I’ve been married to an Italian too long. How much pepperoni do you need for four people, when three only like pepperoni a little? Ten sticks. Hey, it’s not like it goes bad. Then, I through in some Heath bars, so I would have something to eat while the others enjoyed the pepperoni.

They had the pepperoni. Everything got delivered before the Zoom call ended. So, either delivery was blinding fast, or we talk a lot.

One holiday crisis averted.

Back to the turkey. It was larger than she asked to get. It was free, so I’m not complaining, and I didn’t really understand why larger was a problem.

I found out why larger was a problem about 1:00 AM this morning, when as I was trying to go to sleep, my wife told me she needed a new roasting pan. The turkey was too large to fit in any of the pans we had in the house. This is not the type of problem I am used to solving at 1:00 AM.

She found one she wanted on Amazon that would be delivered December 30th. Oops. I was impressed that they had a delivery date of an essential item that would miss both Thanksgiving and Christmas.

As she was desperate, she said an aluminum disposable pan would do. We can get those from Whole Foods Amazon Prime Now. So, I ordered two different sizes for delivery between 7:00 AM and 9:00 AM, and just paid the nine dollar delivery charge to have four dollars of aluminum delivered.

Then, I thought “Big Lots would have pans.” Off to Instacart. Nothing, or at least nothing acceptable. Then, my wife said, “Bed Bath and Beyond.” Bingo. A roasting pan (called a “roaster” which is why we didn’t see it on the first search) is available for $27. So, now I just need something to make up the balance.

I started looking at kitchen gadgets. I love gadgets. I don’t use them half the time, but they’re fun. While I was doing that, my wife said, “I need a strainer.” (It was late, or I would have said, “If you want a strainer, skip the fiber.”)

So, we looked at strainers. The photos were misleading, but she found one she thought would do, and I added it to the cart. That put us close to the minimum order.

However, before the strainer distraction, I noticed they have a mini-waffle maker for $10. What could be better than mini waffles? After a lot of discussion, the wife said I could get one. Then, she thought about Keto waffles, and said “Get two.”

So, order placed. Whole Foods Prime Now order canceled successfully. Peace in the neighborhood.

This morning, I was looking at online reviews, and it turns out the Keto community loves not only the waffle maker but its siblings as well – the pie maker and the Bundt cake maker. Why? Because they make small servings quickly and you can make Keto versions of many desserts (some of which may actually taste like desserts.)

So, into the cart they went.

The fun part of the Instacart process is watching the shopping. The shopper found the Bundt cake maker. Then, the pie maker.

Uh, the waffle maker? The roasting pan which was the whole reason for the shop?

She messaged me about the roasting pan and said that was the old version, and the new version was the only one available. I told her the dimensions we needed for our jumbo turkey and she sent a photo showing the size. It will do. In fact, it was the same as the old one. Whew.

Then, the waffle maker. Last night, I noticed they had the waffle maker and a “gift set” where you paid an extra $10 to get a cookbook. Who would do that? The person who was in the bathroom when the message came in that only the gift set was available. Dammit.

Hmm. The order just arrived and we got the cheap waffle makers. All is good.

So, we got exactly everything we ordered (almost) and what we got will work. Actually, the strainer hasn’t been blessed yet, but it looks like the old one.

My only fear now is that at 1:00 AM tomorrow, I am going to be told, “I need a new oven. Before Thursday. The pan won’t fit in ours.” Pray for me.

Now, to the deja vu part.

The fun part of Instacart is you never know what you will get until the shopper checks out – and sometimes not until the order arrives. You will get substitution notices, but sometimes they’re inaccurate, and they’re almost always too late to cancel them. (Things like tomato paste instead of tomato sauce.) One way to prevent this is to set all items to “No substitutes” on the order. This will guarantee you get the brand you want and the quantity you want. This is what I did with the pepperoni and the roasting pan.

There’s only one issue with “No substitutes” – you won’t get anything as a replacement. It’s all or nothing.

So, as I watched the order Saturday, I was thinking – “If these guys are out of pepperoni, somebody is driving thirty miles to bring me some Heath bars.” I love Heath bars, but even I think that is excessive.

So, as I watched the order this morning, and all the excess items were found, and only the roasting pan was missing, I remembered an IT project long ago.

The team desperately needed a $3000 projector for doing presentations. Back in the day before you could get a mini projector at Amazon for under $100, these were really expensive items.

The only way to hide three grand in a budget that was going to have something cut was to add something more ridiculous as an obvious target.

The team added a ten thousand dollar server to the budget. This was insanely expensive even then, and they already had a number of servers, so it was obviously a waste of money.

They got the server. The projector was cut as an extravagance.

So with Instacart. “I really need three dollars worth of collard greens, so I’ll add thirty-two dollars worth of other stuff to make up the order.” The shopper brings the other stuff.

Some things never change.

The Grand Plan(s)

I may not always implement, but I do love to plan – especially when mapping is involved. While we never got the RV of our dreams, and we haven’t done a road trip lately, I still have the maps for my planned RV trips.

My main goal was to find a route we could do relatively easily and relatively cheaply. (Relatively being the key word.) I was thinking a couple of trips within the State of Texas would give us a good distance to cover but still not take as long as driving to Ohio – it’s half the distance to Big Bend as it is to Cedarville (approximately.)

So, these are all the routes I had in mind. Don’t fall in love with a dreamer.

Galveston

Kevin’s Pub Galveston is by the cruise port, so passengers can have one last drink on land before their beverage package kicks in onboard the ship.

Just remember, the rather unique Texas liquor laws means some cruise ship drink packages are limited or don’t start until you’re in International Waters (or sometimes, the first full day of cruising), so you might want to stop by and fill up, just in case. We can call you a cab. (“You’re a cab!”)

Kevin’s Pub Galveston would also be a useful place to recover from any timeshare presentations you stumbled into while on the island. If you get invited to visit a timeshare, and you are offered accomodations somewhere else, that may be a warning.

Take the time estimate of the sales presentation and multiply by three. Be ready to force your way out. Call us. We can send you a cab.

Barcelona

Kevin’s Pub Barcelona is open for all the tourists staggering off a Transatlantic crossing (a repositioning cruise, usually) that don’t want to learn Spanish in order to get a drink. It is also a place to recover from overdosing on all things Catalan.

Face it, no matter how much you enjoy the treats of Spain, after a few days, you are really going to need some Irish Nachos.

The Barcelona location would be yet another pub in the city – when we were there after one cruise, we found an Irish Pub within walking distance of our hotel. (This may sound remarkable, but I’ve been in hotels all over the world that had an Irish Pub within walking distance.)

Taipei

Kevin’s Pub Taipei would be a small pub, with a unique method of gathering potential customers.

Taipei hotels have an interesting service that should be universal – when you leave the hotel, and the bellman calls you a cab, he hands you a business card. On one side, is the contact information for the hotel in English. The other side has the same information (I assume) in Chinese. So,when you are ready to leave the office, and you realize you have no idea where you are sleeping, you just bow and hand the card to any taxi driver, and he takes you back to the hotel.

So, here’s my marketing plan – print up a bunch of cards with a hotel address in English and the Pub address in Chinese, and bribe the bellman.

Taipei is the only place I’ve ever stayed where I had to book the hotel on a third-party site because the IBM travel agent couldn’t find me a hotel. I ended up on the suites floor and nobody could bitch about the charges, because I had to go. The bathtub had rubber ducks, with a note around their necks that said you could take them home.

Rubber ducks and cards to get you back to the hotel. Genius.

Peoria

Kevin’s Pub Peoria would have to be downtown, in the middle of everything. You could sneak in for a pint after eating lunch on the main square. Hopefully, that will still be a busy place, even with Caterpillar moving their HQ further north.

I’ve been in Peoria twice, staying once in the middle of things for an extended stay with weekends home and once in the suburbs for three solid weeks. Peoria is a good, generic Midwest city, the former home of Caterpillar (although there are about a billion Cat buildings all around the area), and the birthplace of Richard Pryor. “If it will play in Peoria, it will play anywhere.”

When in Peoria, you can go on the riverboat. It’s a lot of fun. I was onboard the first time, and I heard the Captain mentioning their overnight cruises. This seemed strange, since I couldn’t figure out where anyone would sleep onboard. Then I found out they don’t. The riverboat goes downstream for a while, then they dock at a hotel, people sleep in the hotel. Next morning, back on the boat, back down the river. I want to do this!

Peoria is the place I was very close to the hotel staff without ever meeting them in person. I used to upgrade all the time and the flight attendants used to let me take some extra booze with me since they saw me at least once a week, depending on their schedules.

I left all the bottles on the TV in my hotel room. One night, I found a note from the maid, asking if she (I assume) could have the Courvoisier. So, I wrote a note back and said, “Help yourself.” Then, I made it a point to grab a bottle of Courvoisier from the plane every time. One time, they didn’t have any, so I got Bailey’s, and wrote an apology note.

I still hadn’t had met the maid.

One weekend, I got home to Dallas, started undressing, and I couldn’t find my wallet. Oops. So, I didn’t do very much, but it didn’t matter, since I had to go back to Peoria two days later. I got back to Peoria, and asked the desk clerk if anyone had turned in a wallet. Nobody had. At this point, I was freaking out because I needed a way to pay for things. I went to work, checked my email, had a couple of meetings, and when I got to my new room that evening, I looked at the TV, and there was my wallet. There was a note from the maid on it that said, “I thought you would need this.”

Des Moines

Kevin’s Pub Des Moines would have to be built across the street from (or next door to) a Maid-Rite. Loose Meat Sandwiches and draft beer for the win!

I spent a lot of time in Des Moines on a project years ago. Except for the snow, it was an amazing place – and even the snow wasn’t too bad, because if you don’t clear the snow in front of your place, the city does – and charges you, so everybody clears the snow. Plus, many of the buildings downtown have walkways between them, so you don’t have to walk in the streets in the weather (are you listening, Buffalo?)

It’s the Midwest. There is meat, meat and more meat. The steaks were great, the people were great and the pork sandwiches are basically a chicken fried steak (except made from a pork cutlet) on a bun. So, chicken fried steak, schnitzel, veal parmigiana, pork sandwich – the Big Four.

I was there during the Flood of ’93. The motto “Iowa, it’s a great place to grow” was updated to “Iowa, it’s a great place to row.” I came home one Friday, and the water plant was breached the next day. Oops. I called the office on Monday, and asked if everyone was OK, and that I assumed that the weekly staff meeting was canceled (i.e. I didn’t need to fly up.) The reply I got was, “The water’s in bottles, the power’s from a generator in the parking lot, but it’s casual day!” We worked through the flood. The Iowa Cubs minor league team had their Fourth of July party in September. They won in the bottom of the ninth, and then the Beach Boys played.

When I got home, I found out my upstairs neighbors had let a towel fall into their bathtub. The water filled the bathtub, flooded their apartment, blew a hole in the floor (my ceiling) and then flooded my apartment. I called my co-workers in Des Moines, mainly to explain the irony of another flood in my life, and they said, “We’ve got a few thousand extra sandbags we can send you.”

I made a friend at Maid-Rite because I say, “Thank you” as a reflex. After about two weeks in town (going to Maid-Rite at least twice a week), I went back to Maid-Rite with all the locals and the worker at the line said, “Hi Sweetie! Do you want your usual?” The locals were highly insulted as they had been going for years and never been recognized. Say “Thank you!”, y’all.

I also met a chef when I was in Des Moines. It was accidental. I was in a steakhouse in the walkways, and I may have had a drink or two, and the steak was so good, I told the waitress to tell the chef how good it was. (My hazy recollection is that I said, teary-eyed, “Please tell chef this steak was great. I’m from Texas and it’s hard to (hic!) get a decent steak away from home (hic!) but this was amazing.”

She sent him out to the table.

So, I told him personally how good the food was, had an after-dinner drink, and staggered back to the hotel.

Two weeks later, I took one of my co-workers to dinner there since we were both from out of town. Halfway through the meal, the waitress (a different one) asked, “Are you from Dallas?” I said, “Yes, I am” and she said, “Chef thought he recognized you. He hopes you enjoy the meal, and let him know if you need anything.” My friend was speechless. So, if you can’t remember “Thank you”, get drunk and tell the Chef how wonderful the food is.

Budapest

Kevin’s Pub Budapest was the first location behind the (former) Iron Curtain. It is a city I always wanted to visit, because many of the teachers at my prep school (good ol’ Cistercian Preparatory School in Irving) were actually Hungarian refugees. Once you’ve seen a filmstrip of your Headmaster staring down a Russian tank, you think twice about misbehaving (or getting caught.)

Budapest is actually two cities divided by the Danube, Buda and Pest. I’m never sure which one I’m in because I didn’t do very well in geography. I do know that when I was there on business, I was with some other IBMers who were not Hungarian, but lived closer to Hungary than I did, and they got lost and ended up in Pest, instead of Buda (or vice versa.) Let’s just say we were on one side of the Danube and our hotel was on the other. It was a long night.

It’s a beautiful city.

Kevin’s Pub Budapest would be a haven for all the older Americans whose river cruises start or end in the city, assuming the river levels let them get there.