Posts

Recycled

My name is Bob,
And I’m a can.
Just an aluminum tube,
That distributes stuff.

I’ve carried good beer
To Germany and Australia,
I’ve carried weak beer
All over the USA.

I took sweet tea to Raliegh,
I took wine to San Jose.
I took soda everywhere.

So, lots of good contents
Went to lots of places.
It’s basically the same job,
But adapted to changing needs.

But my new bosses hate recycling.
They’re allergic to all old cans.
They only want new aluminum,
And they like imported, not domestic.

So, I’ve been trashed.
Kicked to the curb.
I can still carry things,
But I’m not good enough anymore.

It was fun while it lasted.
I just don’t understand.
If your customers are in the USA,
Why are your cans in India?

Eastbound 

Sailing back to Europe,
Losing an hour almost every day.
This is what causes the ugky American.
We’re sleep deprived.

Still, I’d rather take two weeks
And be a bit sleep deprived,
Than take ten hours or so,
And be jet-lagged.

On a ship,
You have a cabin.
On a plane,
You have a seat.

Cabins share walls.
These are sometimes thin.
However, seats share armrests,
And these are much thinner.

A Young Millennial’s Prayer

Well, the letters to Santa never worked. Let’s try the modern way.

Sometimes, true stories can make a good poem. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, actually. For those of us who wrote Santa every year and got squat, it’s disconcerting to know that the youngest generation can get pretty much anything on-demand.

Alexa, I need four pounds of cookies,
The ones my Mommy refuses to buy.
I don’t know why she hates cookies.
I even tried starting to cry.

Alexa, please send me a dollhouse.
My dolls are all out on the street.
My brother said they’re like hookers,
I just want them out of the heat.

I know you need my Daddy’s password.
It’s 11-15, I think.
It’s the day before they were married.
He said it’s the last day his life didn’t stink.

Mommy and Daddy are cranky.
They bitch about their age all the time.
That’s why I love you Alexa,
At least you’re still in your prime.

Turquoise 

Seventeen years ago …

Seventeen years, and we’ve learned a lot.
Mostly, I’ve learned a lot,
And most of that was about pets.
So it goes.

I’ve learned that big families are not strange.
(Though some of the members may be.)
I’ve learned that garlic goes in everything.
But I still won’t put it in my tea.

If you want to sleep until 11am,
Just put the dogs to bed at three.
(This requires being awake at three.)
When you walk around barefoot,
You will always find the pee.

A dog is your companion,
A dog will win your hearts.
However, most critically,
A dog takes blame for your farts.

Speaking of emissions,
If you ever gently break wind,
And your dogs all flee the room,
Just realize you have sinned.

Your dog will always be close to you.
Nobody is as faithful as Rover.
He gravitates to anything with your scent.
Always turn your pillow over.

You will notice that eventually,
Everyone in your family gets the same diseases.
So, take good notes the first time around,
And always avoid the one that sneezes.

Fifty-Four

The Spousal Unit turns fifty-four and this is the poem she gets?

Happy Birthday to you!
Another trip around the sun.
Some trips are annoying,
Some trips are fun.

That’s where they rhyming part ends.
My head hurts and I can’t find
My rhyming dictionary.
So, another crappy birthday poem follows.

My apologies in advance.
I hope it’s not a bore.
I should just say Rocky wrote it,
So people would cry for more.

Sigh. I’m not bitter about that.

Here’s an interesting fact.
If you had walked a mile each day,
Since the day you were born,
That would be 19,710 miles!

Your Fitbit would be very happy.
Also, you would have been walking at birth,
A very impressive feat! (feet?)
So, this is probably hypothetical.

Your Mom probably would have stopped you,
Since you shouldn’t be walking that young.
On the other hand, I’ve met your siblings,
So maybe she would have said, “Bon Voyage!”

Back to the hypothetical walking,
Today, you would be almost 80% of the way
Around the earth (give or take).
Holding your breath across the ocean-y bits.

However, you keep insisting on taking cruise ships.
So, walking around the world is probably out.
Also, you would have ended up back in New York.
Since the world is round-ish.

So, you’re in Dallas, not New York.
You’re a year older, but at least you’re not 55.
It could be worse, because it could always be worse.
Did I mention Rocky wrote this?

Happy Birthday.

My Failed Bid For Pope

I was cleaning up my domain list the other day (aka Why am I still paying for this?) and I found popexriva.com. I had forgotten it was there, actually.

My problem is that I will come up with something that is hysterically funny to me, pay the small fee for a domain, write up the basics, and then forget about it until the rather large renewal fee is extracted from my bank account. So, it’s time to clean house.

When Pope Benedict stepped down, I decided to run for Pope, so I put up a website. I’ve preserved the contents here, since I’m not going to pay the renewal fees. I may put it back if the office opens up again.

Pope Xriva I

REJECTED. White smoke from the Sistine Chapel and no missed calls on my mobile. I’ve been passed over again. However, it’s somewhat political, so my new campaign starts as soon as our new Holy Father appears.

I have tossed my hat in the ring for Pope. I actually don’t have a pointy hat, but I do have a number of baseball caps. I will have better hats once elected.

I have added a personal statement and my qualifications.

I do hope this isn’t breaking any Cardinal rules.

Personal Statement
I realize that there is not really an official application for Pope, since the College of Cardinals is guided by the Holy Spirit to choose the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

However, since the only people they see in the locked room while deliberating and voting are the other Cardinals, one of them invariably gets elected. Hopefully, if one of them is idly surfing the web during a particularly boring presentation, he will find this site and think, “Hey! A new guy!”

While I don’t have any real experience leading the one true Church, I have been a team lead for years and have heard the Lord’s name invoked on a fairly regular basis. Hopefully, this will be enough.

I’m in my mid-fifties. I’m not going to retire any time soon. I like most Italian food. My wife wants to visit Rome. (Oops. That may be a deal-breaker. I suppose divorcing her wouldn’t help.)

My fervent hope is to be the first overweight Irish-German-American-Texan Pope.

Qualifications
  • Baptized
  • Confirmed
  • Former Altar Boy
  • Wedding Officiant (Universal Life Church Minister)
  • Only divorced once
  • Team lead of technical team, so used to personnel issues
  • World Traveler
  • Not looking to retire within eight years
  • Hear the Lord’s name invoked on a regular basis at work

Endorsements

  • If I can get some red Prada shoes – New York, New York
  • Anything to get him out of the house – Dallas, Texas
  • Anything to get him out of the office – Coppell, Texas