Posts

Me

I have a house,
I have a wife.
I have a happy, happy life.

(Oy vey.)

I have some dogs,
A girl and three boys.
They make a lot of noisy noise.

(A lot. Trust me.)

I eat too much,
My doctor won’t be quiet.
I said I’m on the see food diet.

(Stress will kill me first.)

I write bad poems,
And this is one.
I hope that reading it was fun.

(You’re not getting a refund.)

It’s Wonderful!

We are living in a doomed age

We are living in a doomed age.
Marketing and sales rule the day.
That would be fine, except
They’re mostly idiots.

To be fair, some are not.
They know they’re lying.
The rest truly believe their press.
The press that they wrote.

If everything worked as well
As sales and marketing said,
We would all be working
Three-day weeks. At most.

Unfortunately, none of it really works.
Some of it doesn’t work at all.
It’s sad, really.

So, the next time your manager
Presents you with the solution to all,
Just remember, they believe it.
So, be gentle when you burst the bubble.

Obama Kool-Aid

I don’t know about you,
But I never drank Obama Kool-Aid.
I’m glad I didn’t.

First of all,
Some misunderstood youth
Stole the flavor packets
From a grocery store.

The water was all donated,
But it might have lead in it,
So drink around it,
Or just hold your nose.

The volunteer women who mix it,
Deserve at least $15 per hour,
And they keep using their penises
To stir it all up.

Luckily, the recipe is on the packet.
Since the White House recipe was lost.
It was securely mailed to Hillary,
And she kept it on her server.

The other big problem so far,
Is that the ice keeps melting,
But not nearly as fast as people predicted.
Scientists are examining this.

The original price was forty-nine cents
And that was for a sixteen-ounce glass.
But, with the amount of people each glass supports,
It’s now seven thousand dollars for six ounces.

Seven thousand dollars is a lot for a drink,
But luckily, there are people who don’t want it,
So they will pay for yours.
They deserve to pay for yours.

You can have any flavor you want,
As long as you want cherry.
Remember, dead Chicagoans prefer it
Two to one over any other beverage.

You have to use a special glass.
You might have been told you could use your glass,
But that was incorrect.
The government will sell you the glass.

If you’ve drunk the Kool-Aid,
You may want to brush your teeth.

Cannoli 

I may have smoked a little weed,
And then, I had that certain need.
A craving, that we all remember well.

My kitchen had lots of stuff I was saving
But nothing there could kill the craving.
All I had was sugar and some cheese.

Pastry sheets were in the freezer,
I pulled them apart with my tweezers.
I mixed up the sugar and the cheese.
(I started giggling.)

I fried the sheets ’til they were brown.
I found a tube to wrap them around.
(It holds my toilet tissue,  so it’s cool.)

I filled the little tubes with the mix,
Of the sugar and the cheese I’d fixed.
I wished I had some chocolate sauce around.

Mmmmm. Chocolate.

Wait a minute! Holy Moley!
Italian little tubes are called “cannoli”.
So, this stupid craving-killer has a name.

(I was really giggling, now.)

It was really tasty good!
I should sell these in my neighborhood!
As long as my neighbors all smoke weed.

A Puppy’s Confession 

I’m sorry, Mom.
I couldn’t see.
Your carpets look like grass to me.

I’m sorry, Mom.
I’m just a boy.
But Mommy’s bra is not a toy.

I’m sorry, Mom.
I shouldn’t snoop.
It’s just it was a tasty poop.

I’m sorry, Dad.
Mom took my ball.
I didn’t know you had a conference call.

I’m sorry, Mom.
You looked comatose.
So, I had to lick you on the nose.

I’m sorry, Mom.
You weren’t awake.
I was calling to my neighbor Jake.

I’m sorry, Mom.
You’re turning blue.
I thought I could jump over you.

I’m sorry, Dad.
For causing lossage.
I thought you had a little Snausage.

Committees

I was getting work done.
It was difficult, but doable.
Then, I got a co-worker.
Now, work was a bit easier.

We split the task in two.
He did half and I did half.
We just had to compare notes.
Making sure the halves fit together.

Then, we got a couple more people.
Now, work would go really fast!
We each only did a quarter.
It just took longer to make the pieces fit.

So, we got a manager to watch over us.
His job was to make sure the pieces fit.
He would talk to each of us every day.
This started taking up valuable time.

So, we started having team meetings.
We had weekly meetings at first.
This was a place to discuss progress.
We would talk about how the pieces all fit.

Progress seemed slower than at first.
So, we started having daily meetings.
Now, we were talking about why pieces didn’t fit.
This did not seem as positive as before.

Apparently, the daily meetings didn’t work.
So, we got a project manager.
He worked for the manager.
His job was to make sure the meetings fit.

When the meetings took even more time,
Since we had to explain everything to the project manager,
We got a technical consultant to help us.
He was going to make the pieces fit like they did at other places.

He said we needed to stand up at the meetings.
Successful companies can’t afford chairs, I guess.
Now, the meetings would go slightly faster,
But we still seemed to be working more slowly.

We sure are in a lot of meetings.

I miss working by myself.

Alarm

I have a meeting on the phone.
I really need to be alone.

Four dogs are barking at the door.
Whatever are they barking for?

Perhaps the mail arrived at last.
Perhaps a man is walking past.

Perhaps a car is driving by.
Perhaps a leaf is blowing high.

Perhaps the UPS truck is here.
Perhaps someone opened a beer.

Perhaps a train went down the tracks.
Perhaps a boy wearing corduroy slacks.

It must be critical, that’s for sure.
Since all four are barking at the door.