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Topics

Topics can be hard to find,
So, every day, I abuse my mind.
Some days are better than others.

Plus, I’m not at sea this year,
With all those topics I hold dear,
So I have to look around my office.

Sigh.

What rhymes with “clutter”?

There is so much clutter,
I heard her mutter.
Her words went through me,
Like a knife through butter.

Sigh.

Maybe I can find a topic on Groupon.

The Palace Guard

Her Majesty sits upon her throne.
We cannot let her sit alone.
With all the gurgling I hear,
I’m pretty sure she sits in fear.

Anyone could break in now,
I have to stop them all somehow.
She’s been in here for quite some time.
I will sit here until at least bedtime.

You cannot enter – “No!”, I say.
Everyone must stay away.
I will always remain in place.
To leave her unguarded – a disgrace.

I will stay here through the night and day.
I will never, ever go away.
I will be here at the closing bell.
I just worry about that awful smell.

NaPoWriMo

It’s April! Time to start writing poetry! Every year, I try to accomplish the goal of NaPoWriMo – write one poem a day for a month. This year, I actually have a couple of days head start, because this week has been fruitful.

It’s interesting trying to write on a regular schedule with a self-imposed deadline (I was going to post here daily – haha!) but poetry can be much easier than prose, because all you need is one line (“I am an Irish Pirate, I drink Guinness every night”), and then you work around it. With prose, you have to have a (relatively) coherent thought, which is much more difficult.

So, I think this is year three for me (have to go back and check.) I won’t be on a ship during the month this year, so there should be much fewer works about the sea.

Two down, twenty-eight to go!

 

Irish Pirate

I am an Irish Pirate.
I drink Guinness every night.
I don’t have a pirate schooner,
So I never have to fight.

It’s hard to be a pirate,
When you can’t go off to sea.
So, I’m stuck here in the pub,
With just a pint or three.

I guess to be a pirate,
I need a large tattoo.
It’s just I don’t like needles,
So I never joined the crew.

I’m going to be a pirate.
I’m going to sail to sea.
I’m going to do it someday.
Just you wait and see.

In the meantime,
Another pint, please.

The River Pee

I’m surfing down the River Pee.
There’s darkness in my hall, you see.
Dogs should only pee in the yard.
But going out sometimes is hard.

So, as I slide along the floor,
I wonder which among our four,
Has left this river in the hall,
That’s now a lake after my fall.

I am an accidental engineer.
A dam’s design was never clear.
Yet, I dammed  the mighty River Pee.
I dammed it when I fell, you see.

It was not the only dam discussed.
I do admit, I may have cussed.
My wife is laughing really hard.
Why won’t her dogs pee in the yard?

Falling Off A Cruise Ship

Another tragic story this week – a Texas man fell off a cruise ship. A search is underway. I’m sure all of us send our thoughts to his family.

Here’s the issue: I’m pretty sure nobody ever falls off a cruise ship. I just finished my twelfth cruise last week, and they’ve all been on Norwegian and the missing passenger was on a Royal Caribbean ship, but I’m pretty sure I can say he didn’t fall.

It’s easy to say someone fell off a ship, but it also moves the implied blame to the cruise line. Apparently, Royal Caribbean has ships that passengers can fall from. We have spent too much of the past few years moving blame to innocent parties.

Why don’t people fall off cruise ships? Mainly, because cruise ships are designed to keep people on board. There are railings everywhere along the outside decks, and it takes work to get over them. There are partitions underneath, so you can’t just slide under. Some decks don’t have any open areas at all.  It’s not like you can just walk up to the edge of the ship, trip and fall overboard. You can climb up and try to balance on the railings because your idiot friends bet you that you couldn’t, and fall off the railing, but that’s stupidity or drunkeness, not a fall. You can climb over and jump off the railing, but that’s suicide (and there are probably easier ways to commit suicide.)

In this case, I just looked at the deck plans, and deck ten on The Navigator of the Seas is all cabins – private rooms – and the outside cabins have balconies. Balconies have railings. I’ve been in a balcony cabin. You can’t fall off a balcony without some work.

So, this is tragic, as it always is when a life is potentially lost, and it is also sloppy reporting or at least an extremely poor choice of words. (It’s also sloppy to say Royal Caribbean built the ship. Cruise lines purchase and operate ships. Shipyards build them for the cruise lines. Does American build their own airplanes?)

Coincidentally, before I heard about the accident, I had attended a Q&A session with the senior officers on the Norwegian Jade, and someone asked the Captain about what happens in a man overboard situation. The question actually was “Has anyone fallen off the ship?” One of his first statements was “Nobody falls off a ship.”

In a man overboard situation, the ship’s crew will drop flares to mark the approximate spot, turn the ship around (which may take some time – it can take a mile or more to stop a cruise ship) and launch a life boat or tender to do a search. In cases where the ship is within range, the crew can ask the Coast Guard for help – helicopters and planes search a wide area faster.

The Captain of the Jade made it clear that the sooner it’s reported, the better the chances of finding and saving the missing person. This should be obvious to almost anyone, but apparently, some people on cruises are idiots.  That is the real reason you can have a man overboard.

A Royal Caribbean ship has a man overboard. The Coast Guard is assisting in the search for him. I know it’s hard on his loved ones, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t fall.

Tex-Mex Blues

I love Tex-Mex food.
I would eat it every day.
Rice, beans and nachos,
What else is there to say?

It’s just sometimes,
There is a dramatic effect.
Like a volcano erupting somewhere,
Or a pilot forced to eject.

Today, my wife dragged me shopping.
She bribed me with Tex-Mex first.
We got to the store and I felt rumblings.
It’s not like something was about to burst.

I thought.

So, my colon blew out in WalMart,
I was stranded in the stall.
The guard came to check for theft,
But I hadn’t taken anything at all.

(Well, I took a dump. But, really, I left it. Thank you, George Carlin.)