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Dog Senses

So, dogs have a better sense of smell than humans. They have better eyesight than believed before, as they may be able to discern some colors, which is probably why our Cocker Spaniel barks at the HDTV almost constantly and the Chihuahua watches it while sitting on one of the humans. However, while dogs also may have a better sense of hearing, they do not have any real comprehension, although the previously mentioned Cocker Spaniel hates most current pop music (“Good dog, Murphy!”).

Most dogs do have a limited vocabulary (“Sit”, “Stay”, “Dammit!”), but that’s about it. This explains why two of my dogs could get into  a major snarling match while “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding” was playing this afternoon. Irony, anyone?

Close-Outs

Close-outs are really just sales.
I know this from looking at the items.
Some are successes, most are fails.

Close-out really means “selling off stock”.
As in, we won’t make any more of these.
They’re on the chopping block

Sometimes, however, these items
Have your name imprinted.
They’re called personalized items.

This seems just a bit far-fetched.
There is a plant somewhere in China,
Making items with “Kevin Gilhooly” etched.

“Maybe it’s today he’ll finally call”,
All the Chinese workers silently pray,
“He’ll go online or visit at the mall.”

I hope they’re not making pencils just for me,
Hundreds of them inscribed with my name,
In a huge factory across the sea.

That’s what a close-out would be,
“We’re not printing “Kevin Gilhooly” any more,
All the pencils we have is all we foresee“.

I hope that someone shares my name,
There was one in Houston years ago,
So maybe there’s another Kevin once again.

Then, the pencils are his problem.

Resource Action

I did not get fired this week.
Neither did most of my friends.
Some of my friends were told
They should find new jobs.
Immediately.

One was told she had four weeks
To find a job outside the company.
Excuse me, if you’re terminated,
Don’t you have the rest of your life?

I suppose this is a kinder, gentler firing.
At least for the managers.
If it’s a resource action,
You don’t have to fire anyone.
Some resources just got moved.
Away.

I hate MBA-speak.
You fired the poor bastards.
They are not resources.
They are people.
Grow a pair.

Also, I know the jobs are different,
But it’s still a bit uncool
To be hiring outsiders
During a resource action.
Just sayin’.

Multitasking

We are completely wired these days.
You can’t escape the office, no matter where you go.
In fact, you have multiple pathways to the office.
This is a blessing and a curse.

I can answer my emails, Chat online with co-workers,
Watch baseball games (I could, I never would!),
Update Facebook (social networking)
And be on a conference call.

All at the same time.

It’s called multitasking.
Multitasking is great,
Since you get more done.
At least, it can seem that way.

This means, of course,
Not everything gets 100% attention.
So, sometimes, you can get confused.

Here’s some  good tips to help you  –

Re-read all your emails before you press “Send”.
This prevents typos.
Typos could be just misspellings,
Or could be sending “Love you, too, Magic Ass!”
To your customer instead of your wife.

If you answer a question late on a call,
Since you were writing email and chatting,
Always preface with “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”
If you weren’t listening, use the same excuse.

For some reason, if you can’t talk on the phone,
People assume you can’t hear, either.
If you can’t talk or hear, why are you on the phone?

That said –

When you’re on a conference call, go on mute.
This avoids having your dogs heard on the call.
It also avoids yelling “AirHogs WIN!”
When discussing next month’s financials.
Actually, you will still yell it,
If you were watching a game, which I am not,
But at least nobody would hear it.

AirHogs WIN!

After you do your victory dance,
Pick the phone back up, and
If you hear an awkward silence,
Say “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”

Teamless Lead

I am a team lead.
It should be “leader”,
But it’s not.
I lead a crack team of experts.
However, my team is now just me.

How is this possible?
It’s called a re-org.
A re-org is when people are shuffled.
Like cards in a deck,
We are mixed up into a new order.

Why?

That is a question for leaders above me.
Team leads don’t shuffle the deck.
They play the hand they’re dealt.

So, I have a team of one.
Me.

This sounds like an adventure movie.
However, it’s set in an office,
And I’m not Bruce Willis,
So there’s not a lot of adventure.

If this re-org doesn’t work,
I will have a team back.
It may be the same or
It may be different.

I just play the hand that’s dealt me.

The Attic

The attic was a magical place,
Where all of your past was stored.
If you didn’t want to toss it,
Up to the attic it went.

Of course, in some regions,
It was down to the basement, instead.
It depends on where you live.

Then again, if you’re scared to go in the attic,
Or you don’t have a basement,
You might use the garage.

I fear I’m getting off track.

Now, everything is going digital.
So, photos and albums aren’t in the attic.
They’re on your hard drive.
Hopefully.

If you don’t have a good filing system,
And I certainly don’t,
Then, your hard drive is a magical place.
You never know what you might find.

As long as you don’t find love letters
From someone who’s not in your house,
There is no telling what you share.

I found our late budgie’s first record.
Well, it’s not really a record,
It’s just a bunch of MP3s.
Still, it’s more than I ever recorded.

So, look around your hard drive.
You never know what you may find.
I hope it’s magical.

—————————-

Here’s Basil’s first record, for your listening pleasure. He didn’t write particularly long songs, but then again, he was a budgie.

Time is Relative

An hour is always sixty minutes,
But the minutes seem to be different lengths.
I’m sure there’s a logical explanation,
But if there is physics involved, I’m lost.

Consider these scenarios:
There’s an hour before you leave for work.
Whoosh! Where did that hour go?
There’s an hour before you leave for home.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Freakin’ Tick. Tick. Tick.

So, this is probably a relativity issue,
But as I said, physics is not my forte.
I know e = mc^2 but that’s energy and mass.
Why didn’t Einstein work on something critical?

So, I would say pm = am * pa^2, as in
Your perceived minutes are
Actual minutes times potential annoyance, squared.
As potential annoyance approaches infinity,
Your time will stand still.

This has been tested in various meetings at work,
And by listening to people talk about their vacations.
I didn’t test by having someone talk about religion,
Because I didn’t have the time.

6-4-3

We spend a lot of time
Dwelling on the offense.
Who’s close to a thousand yards?
Who’s got the highest slugging average?

Offense scores points, and points win games.
So, naturally, we get obsessed.
This is wrong.

Sometimes, we should look at the other side.
Defense may seem boring at first.
All it does is prevent points.

However, preventing points helps win, too.
Just ask companies that cut costs
Instead of raising sales.

Some defense can win games.
Say, a double play in the ninth.
You’re out! You’re out, too!

It’s even more beautiful than a home run.
Maybe because there are more people involved.
A home run slugger stands alone.
A double play requires teamwork.

Moral Victories

Moral victories don’t count in the statistics, which is unfortunate, but they are a beautiful moment in time when they happen. 

Last night, the AirHogs lost to the Larado Lemurs 12-11 in twelve innings. However, they were left for dead by the end of the seventh – mainly due to the constantly moving strike zone of an incompetent home plate umpire. (Both managers complained – ours got ejected, which means his complaints were better.) 

So, in the bottom of the ninth, with an eight-run lead, Laredo sent their third baseman to the mound to pitch. 

Yes, the third baseman.

Now, this may seem like cockiness, but I don’t think so. You have two teams that had played a double-header the night before, they had used three pitchers already, there was another game the next day and the home plate umpire wouldn’t know a strike or a ball, so you’re going to have to rely on your defense. You’ve got an eight-run lead, what could possibly go wrong? 

You might come up against a team that finally decided it was time to play baseball. 

Ryan Pineda hits a single on a 2-1 pitch. Let’s not get excited, but at least somebody is on base. 

Angel Flores hits a 1-2 pitch and gets on. Men at first and second. 

Fraizer Hall walks on four straight pitches. Bases loaded. At this point, I began wondering how many runs Laredo would give up before a real pitcher came in. My guess was five. 

Kenny Held hits a sac-fly to score Pineda. One run in, long way to go. One out. The “play defense” strategy may be working. One grounder and it’s probably over. 

Keanon Simon singles on an 0-1 pitch. Flores scores. Two runs. One out. Hmm. 

Brandon Pickney doubles on an 0-2 pitch. So much for the pitcher getting ahead in the count. Another run scores. Interesting. 

Brian Myrow walks on six pitches. Bases loaded. Why look! Laredo has found a pitcher just sitting around. So, my five-run estimate was low, although there are four runs potentially on base. 

Andres Rodriguez gets hit by a pitch. Ouch. Another run crosses the plate. Not a good start for a reliever. Still, we need four to tie, five to win and there is one away.

Juan Richardson strikes out on seven pitches. Damn. Double damn. Two outs. 

Ryan Pineda (Hey! Didn’t we see him earlier in the inning?) looks at ball one and puts the next pitch over the left-field wall. Grand Freakin’ Slam. Tie Freakin’ game. This was the first curse of joy of the evening. This one hit may be why Laredo doesn’t have the manager of the year. 

Flores struck out to end the inning, but a message had been sent. We can beat you, in spite of the umpires. We can torch your pitchers, given a chance.

So, we lost the game in the twelfth, 12-11. We lost the game, but I think we won the battle. If you can get eight runs in the bottom of the ninth on the team leading your division, you can beat them. A message has been sent. I don’t think we’ll see any more fielders pitching unless the bullpen is dry. 

Tonight should be interesting.