Posts

Purpose

I was sent home early from the office today.
Not just me, my whole team.
It’s not like I was in detention or anything.

If you’ve seen the news lately,
You can probably guess the reason.
We’re having “weather” in Texas.
It’s a good day to work at home.

“Weather” means rain, wind, thunder, lightning,  hail, tornadoes.
Hopefully, not all of them at once.
But usually, at least two.
I don’t mind the rain and thunder, but I am alone on that around here.

Last time we had “weather”, a lot of people had car damage.
Texas employers don’t seem to like parking garages.
You just leave your car on the open prairie.
Then, you hope for the best.

I just felt something bump my leg while I was working.
Turns out, I didn’t get sent home to save my car.
I got sent home so Ripley would have a place to hide.
I guess the Lord answers dog prayers first.

Silence Is Golden

I had a great closing line for a poem today.
I just couldn’t come up with the lines before it.
Then, I realized my brain was probably protecting me.
Sometimes, the brain knows best.

Sometimes, it’s best not to write anything at all.
Especially when you realize it may be slander.
Then, you realize it’s actually libel, since
Slander is said.

Always remember slander is said. Both start with “S”.

See how I’ve managed to distract you from the point?
Now you will wonder who was going to be libeled.
You will have to just keep wondering.

I would slander the person in question,
But only after enough drinks.
That way, I could speak freely,
And nobody would remember.

Slander is safer. 

Another mnemonic.

So, there was something useful from all this crap.

Perhaps.

Futility

A tree stands in our yard,
Like a mighty oak.
Which is rather interesting,
Since it’s a pecan tree.

Every year, it produces a crop,
The basis of pecan pie.
However, before the crop and harvest,
It must try to carry on its lineage.

This means it must spread its seed.
In the past, there was an easy way.
A pecan tree produced sticky seed pods.

These pods would catch on any animals
Wandering across the vast prairies.
The animals would spread the seed.

Trees would sprout wherever the seed fell.
And the species would continue anew.
Pecan trees would be everywhere.

These days, it’s much more difficult.
The vast open prairies have a fence.
Actually, a pretty tall fence.
Actually, a lot of fences. And Roads. And Houses.

The roaming animals are now my dogs.
They don’t roam outside the yard.
Well, they do come in the house.

Our house is now the vast prairie.
However, pecan trees don’t grow well
Inside a house. On hardwood floors.
Or even in a king-size bed.

I guess the hardwood floors part
Is a bit ironic, really.

So, I’m hoping someday the pecan tree
Realizes that my dogs are not going to help it carry on.
I’m not hopeful of this, of course.

So, instead, this is the time of year
We need a ShopVac in the house.
To stop the new Pecan Forest
From taking over the family room.

If you have some open space,
Would you plant a pecan tree?
It would make my tree feel much better.

Spring Training

I skipped spring training this year.
I went on a cruise, instead.
Now, I am paying the price.
And not just the verbal abuse.

It’s Opening Weekend,
A three-night home stand.
One more night to go.
I am suffering. Mightily.

I forgot about the late hours.
Games all start at seven.
Now, I’m sleep-deprived and have no time to rest.
I will have to schedule conference calls Monday.

I forgot about the post-game discussions.
First, beer is required. I handled that part.
However, I didn’t do my research on baseball topics,
Such as lack of hitting and boob jobs.

I’m hoping I still make the team,
But I will have to step up my game.
The management is watching.
I hope they let me keep my season tickets.

I will never skip Spring Training again.

Sports Marketing

I don’t understand sports marketing, specifically the AirHogs. They changed mascots this year, from Ace Bacon (a fighter pilot pig) to Scout, a blob that’s supposed to be a fighter pilot pig. Apparently, a realistic fighter pilot pig scared children. WTF?

Scout looks like Dodger, the Ft Worth Cats old mascot. Allegedly, it’s the same person inside. He is an asshole. He seems to think people come to the game just to see him. While this is probably a requirement if your job is to look like an idiot in a blob suit, it is contrary to reality.

Sports should not need additional attractions – it is the attraction. I understand baseball is a lengthy game, and there are many details, but that’s what baseball fans expect. If your kids get bored, there should be attractions for them away from the action. Out of sight, out of mind.

Scout is for the children. He needs to take the children Pied-Piper style out of the way. However, since Scout’s human inside thinks he is the center of the universe, he leads the children by running up and down the home dugout with a t-shirt. All the children are screaming for the t-shirt. Scout is the center of attention. His life is fulfilled.

There’s only one problem. It’s the bottom of the ninth, and the home team is behind. This is when the fans want to watch the game. The most expensive seats? Just behind the home dugout. The seats where you can’t see or hear? Just behind the home dugout.

This is obviously a disconnect. The front office is trying to get people to the game, and then prevents them from actually enjoying it.

If you think a blob chasing children is required to sell tickets to a baseball game, you either spent too much time in marketing classes, or you have no faith in your product. Either can be deadly. It’s why Shreveport has had so many teams fail.

The Metroplex has the Texas Rangers, the Frisco RoughRiders, the Grand Prairie AirHogs, the Ft Worth Cats and probably more smaller teams.

How do you sell minor-league, unaffiliated baseball in a town that has a pro team that’s been to the World Series twice lately?

Here’s my thoughts:

Can you meet Rangers manager Ron Washington after the game? Probably not. The AirHogs manager will be in the bar by left field after the game. He lives baseball. Ask him what you want to know.

Want to meet the players? Frisco players sign autographs at given times. AirHogs players (and many opponents) eat dinner in the bar after games. They’re very gracious with their time. Buy them a drink.

Can you sit in a front-row seat for less than $15? You can in Grand Prairie. Try that in any pro sports in the area.

Grand Prairie has affordable, accessible professional baseball. Nobody else (except the Cats) has all three.

Why isn’t that the marketing plan? Why aren’t baseball games being marketed to baseball fans?

I never went to major league games with any regularity because it was too expensive to get good seats, and getting in and out of Arlington is painful. We went to a RoughRiders game and it was fun, but the traffic was horrific. In Grand Prairie, we found a team that was accessible both personally and geographically.

The whole point of playing unaffiliated ball is to get moved to affiliated, then to the majors. So, they actually play ball. There are more triples than in any other level of baseball because its all out.

So, accessible, affordable, professional baseball played by people with something to prove.

Why again do I need a blob to excite me?

Baseball for Baseball’s Sake

I’m becoming an old fart. Some will say I’m already there. Specifically, I’m an old fart baseball fan. They’re the worst kind, actually.

You would think the most annoying part of a baseball game to an old fart baseball fan would be the umpires. You would be incorrect. The most annoying aspect is other fans.

Why? Because they are not fans. They are barely spectators.

I do not understand why people pay good money to purchase a ticket to something they don’t care to watch. If you don’t care about baseball, why do you go? You can find beer in other places that don’t have an eight-dollar cover charge.

Because people don’t want to watch the game, the team does all sorts of things to entertain the crowd. This includes having a blob mascot run up and down the top of the dugout to get the crowd into the game. My seats are just behind the dugout. So, I can’t see the game since the blob is right in front of me. So, I’m being punished because other people won’t watch.

Do the fans a favor. If you don’t care about the game, DON’T GO. You’re loud, you’re distracting and you’re wasting your money. Don’t take your kids to teach the teamwork. You’re teaching them ignoring the game is fine.

Baseball is the only major sport that has predictable pacing. Other than the teams changing sides at the middle or end of innings, an injury or a pitching change, the game goes on. It is easy to follow. You know where the pitcher is going to pitch. If you’re fanatical, you can keep score. You can keep yourself immersed in the game. You just have to pay attention.

This is especially true in the minors, where games aren’t usually televised. There are no TV time-outs. The game just plays.

So, I don’t think true fans need mascots. Or t-shirt guns. Or beer barrel races. They need the game to unfold in front of them, so they can enjoy it.

If you don’t understand baseball, watching the game will help you learn. Watching the mascot will not.

Can’t we go back to a time when fans watched the game? Maybe “in the old days”, people paid attention because they had to skip work to go to a game.

I miss those days, and I wasn’t even there. (That is the definition of an old fart, by the way.)

Mascots Again

So, we met the new mascot last night.
Scout, the big, fat AirHog blob.
He replaced Ace Bacon, the fighter pilot.
Not exactly a trade up.

Scout looks like Dodger.
I was not the only one to notice.
Dodger was a cat, not a hog.
How does a hog look like a cat?

Mascots are all becoming the same.
A triangle shape with a big bottom.
I mean freakin’ huge.

Maybe J-Lo should be a mascot.

Then, add a custom head.
Cat. Pig. Whatever.
I think this is stupid.

Mainly, because my seats are front row.
So, a huge belly-ass combo blocks my view,
While he’s trying to get the back row cheering.

If the back row doesn’t know when to cheer,
Maybe they need remedial baseball classes.
This does not require blocking my view.

I have been to games where there wasn’t a mascot.
True story.
You know what happened?
The players still played the game.

I miss Ace.
But I don’t see the point of mascots.