I feel very secure these days.
My bank canceled my card,
Even though I didn’t go to Target.
I had extra money last month.
I was finally treading water,
Instead of drowning in debt.
Turns out, the extra money
Belonged to lots of companies.
They all charged my old card.
Boing! Boing! Boing!
The sound of charges bouncing.
No wonder I had extra money.
Oops.
So, paying double bills now.
Updating profiles everywhere.
Ah, back to drowning.
Thanks, Target.
I’m thinking my life should be reality TV.
I’d call it “Dogs Are Sweet But Expensive”.
No, “Wives Are Sour But Expensive.”
Maybe, “Single Was Lonely but Quiet”.
My wife will kill me when she sees this.
Wait. A cranky guy shot by a bitchy relative?
Wasn’t that one season of “Dallas”?
I may need to work on the concept.
I guess “working on the concept”
May be against the idea of reality.
We would turn on the cameras,
Then, see what happens next.
Here’s episode one as shot.
“What kind of dog is … I’m bleeding!”
We forgot Katie doesn’t like strangers.
They quickly stopped filming.
They hadn’t even met the other dogs.
They hadn’t met my wife, either.
I was a bit afraid that she would bite.
I told her she was the star, just in case.
A new cameraman eventually arrived.
The, as the crew walked down the hall,
My wife rather gently asked that
They avoid some of the rooms.
Of course, she’s Brooklyn-Italian, so
For showing on network television,
It would have to play back as
” Not in there!”
The crew followed me on my way to work,
Which was an hour of ing and crying
Down a perpetually under construction road.
The only drama was the Lexi constantly weaving.
I’m thinking we’ll get canceled.
Real reality is not that interesting.
I was passed over for Pope.
I suppose I wasn’t surprised.
I won’t be on Late Night.
So, it’s back on the chain gang.
Someday, the perfect job will appear.
It won’t be anytime soon, I guess.
I hope it’s before I retire.
Otherwise, I may not get there.
If you remove the fluff,
Like “We’ll start in a minute”,
And “Who just joined?”
If you skip the endless replies
About not hearing the question,
Or “Sorry. I was on mute”.
If you forget the happy puppies,
Ignore the background spouses.
And just focus on the subject.
You may get ten minutes of value
For an hour-long call.
Why do we do this?
The first time someone breaks your heart,
It’s bad, but it will heal.
The next time someone breaks your heart,
That’s when it breaks for real.
My woman broke my heart,
She knows she did me wrong.
She took everything I ever had,
But at least I got this song.
When my woman left me.
All I had left was tears.
I finally met my one true love,
But lost my music career.
When I was (much) younger,
All TV shows had commercials.
They interrupted at key points.
It was really annoying.
We didn’t even have remotes.
If you wanted to change the channel,
You needed to get off of the couch,
Or a little brother.
Thank goodness for progress.
Today, many of us now have DVRs.
Now, we can skip over commercials.
Fast-Forward. Zip. Zip.
It’s fun.
The only problem I have
Is not knowing what time
Any of my shows are actually on.
I never watch live any more.
So, now, commercials don’t work as well.
Companies have to move to new tactics.
Today, we have product placement.
It is only subliminally annoying.
I was thinking about this yesterday.
I was stuck in traffic in my Ford Edge.
The built-in GPS found me a new route.
All cars should be this well-engineered.
After I got home, I realized something.
I hate the idea of product placement.
It’s usually not done very well.
It’s just not very subtle.
Damn.
Ugh.
Ah-choo!
Is it really already morning?
How much longer can I just snooze?
How bad could traffic be today?
What more do I have to lose?
I hate Mondays.
I’m always in some pain.
I wish I had another shirt.
Will someone see this stain?
Wow. Traffic. Lovely.
Looks like all the roads are blocked.
I should’ve worked at home today.
I should just go get crocked.
Only twenty minutes late.
That shouldn’t damage my career.
Especially after I walk the halls,
And see nobody else is here.
I need a quart of coffee.
Just stick it in a vein.
I need to keep it coming.
It helps to ease the pain.
Mornings are a torture.
Monday morning doubly so.
Let’s go and have a meeting.
It’s the only way to go.
Is it time to go home yet?
Today, I work with computers,
I’m in a tiny cubicle every day.
We have lots of useless meetings,
And there’s never time to play.
I’d much rather be a pirate,
Who would sail the Seven Seas.
My crew would conquer ocean liners,
and bring them to their knees.
I’ll climb aboard the captured ship,
And slowly draw my pirate sword.
The fearful Captain would surrender,
And my crew would come aboard.
I’ll yell, “Give me your booty!”
The passengers would go nuts.
Rich women threw their jewelry,
Ghetto women showed their butts.
We’d sail away with riches.
I’ll have millions stashed away.
Yet, I’ll be a corporate pirate,
With team meetings on Monday.
I met a distressed strawberry
Outside my local MegaMart.
He asked if I had some spare change,
While I returned my shopping cart.
He said he was from out of town.
He was lugging an empty gas can.
He was trying to get his family home.
They were really in a jam.
The cautious cynic deep inside me
Thought this was just another scam.
But he looked at me so desperately,
Then, he said his name was Sam.
I drove Sam to the closest filling station,
Where I quietly paid to fill up his can.
Then, we drove out to meet his family,
Who were truly in a jam.
I spread them on a baguette.
They were delicious.
Problem solved.
Woke up my laptop this morning,
Immediate Blue Screen of Death.
Time to go make coffee,
Then stop and catch my breath.
A cold and dead laptop.
This is not how to start a day.
Of course, it means a half-hour
To restart and pray.
I really hate Windows.
Every version seems slower.
My expectations were low,
But they’re falling still lower.
My company wants me to upgrade.
“Go to Linux”, they said.
But their products are on Windows.
It’s really hurting my head.
The coffee is ready,
My laptop is restarted.
It’s time for the morning,
Not for the faint-hearted.
Unfiltered Thoughts 