Tag: Religion

Father Long Words

When I was back in college,
I took six long hours of Speech.
One of my classmates loved it,
It was preparing him to preach.

He joined the Seminary.
They gave him room and board.
He learned the secret handshake.
He was consecrated to the Lord.

He loved preaching his homilies.
He never noticed the time go by.
His parishioners would take notice.
His sermons made them cry.

It’s not that they weren’t moving,
Or his chosen words weren’t very strong.
It wasn’t even his repeated subjects.
It’s just that they were bloody long.

They called him “Father Long Words”,
But only behind his back.
They were plotting how to sneak out,
To try and find a snack.

Finally, someone called the Bishop.
They said, “He speaks too long.”
The Bishop said, “The Spirit is within him.”
The Bishop said, “Just play along.”

It took months of complaining.
But the Bishop finally heard.
He came to the Church one Sunday.
Then he said, “That is absurd.”

The Bishop heard Father Long Words,
He dozed off about half-way through.
So, he answered the cries of his people,
After snoring loudly from his pew.

The Bishop had him transferred.
Father Long Words moved around.
He would preach in a different parish,
Until that flock drove him out of town.

Everywhere he preached,
The people listened to him at first.
They listened and they listened,
Until their bladders almost burst.

The Church finally blamed Americans,
For not appreciating the Word.
Father Long Words escaped to Ecuador,
Where they knew he would be heard.

Down in Quito, Father Long Words
Entered the famous Guinness book.
He preached two hundred thirty-seven minutes,
Because that’s just how long it took.

The week after the World’s Record,
The Pope flew in from Rome.
The Church was overflowing.
No parishioners dared stay home.

Father Long Words preached two hours.
He paused for breath, and started further.
That’s when the Pope jumped up and shot him.
The police have called it a Mass murder.

(Bless me, Father, for I have sinned with this poem.)

My Failed Bid For Pope

I was cleaning up my domain list the other day (aka Why am I still paying for this?) and I found popexriva.com. I had forgotten it was there, actually.

My problem is that I will come up with something that is hysterically funny to me, pay the small fee for a domain, write up the basics, and then forget about it until the rather large renewal fee is extracted from my bank account. So, it’s time to clean house.

When Pope Benedict stepped down, I decided to run for Pope, so I put up a website. I’ve preserved the contents here, since I’m not going to pay the renewal fees. I may put it back if the office opens up again.

Pope Xriva I

REJECTED. White smoke from the Sistine Chapel and no missed calls on my mobile. I’ve been passed over again. However, it’s somewhat political, so my new campaign starts as soon as our new Holy Father appears.

I have tossed my hat in the ring for Pope. I actually don’t have a pointy hat, but I do have a number of baseball caps. I will have better hats once elected.

I have added a personal statement and my qualifications.

I do hope this isn’t breaking any Cardinal rules.

Personal Statement
I realize that there is not really an official application for Pope, since the College of Cardinals is guided by the Holy Spirit to choose the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

However, since the only people they see in the locked room while deliberating and voting are the other Cardinals, one of them invariably gets elected. Hopefully, if one of them is idly surfing the web during a particularly boring presentation, he will find this site and think, “Hey! A new guy!”

While I don’t have any real experience leading the one true Church, I have been a team lead for years and have heard the Lord’s name invoked on a fairly regular basis. Hopefully, this will be enough.

I’m in my mid-fifties. I’m not going to retire any time soon. I like most Italian food. My wife wants to visit Rome. (Oops. That may be a deal-breaker. I suppose divorcing her wouldn’t help.)

My fervent hope is to be the first overweight Irish-German-American-Texan Pope.

Qualifications
  • Baptized
  • Confirmed
  • Former Altar Boy
  • Wedding Officiant (Universal Life Church Minister)
  • Only divorced once
  • Team lead of technical team, so used to personnel issues
  • World Traveler
  • Not looking to retire within eight years
  • Hear the Lord’s name invoked on a regular basis at work

Endorsements

  • If I can get some red Prada shoes – New York, New York
  • Anything to get him out of the house – Dallas, Texas
  • Anything to get him out of the office – Coppell, Texas

Religion Blues

Jesus is my Savior,
Since no-one else applied.
Nuns taught me how He lived,
Priests told me how He died.

I used to read the Bible,
The Good Book, so they say.
I found it on a CD,
So, in my car, I’d pray.

I wonder if He watches me,
How I daily live my life.
I hope I make Him happy,
I don’t want to cause Him strife.

Someday, I will meet Him.
Maybe even meet his Dad.
I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
I’d better not be bad.

Religion & Politics

Religion and Politics don’t mix.
The latest proof was in North Miami.
Someone said Jesus endorsed her for Mayor.
She finished last.
Dead last.

She got fifty-six votes.
Twelve votes would have been symbolic.
Fifty-six is just sad.

She finished seventh.
There must be six other Messiahs
That are more involved in local politics.

Football players always thank God
After they win a difficult game.
I think the “after” part is key.

Perhaps if you depend on God for wins,
You should wait until you achieve victory.
Just in case.

Otherwise, you make Him look uninterested.
And you make yourself look a bit crazy.

Rules

I’m a Reverend, but this is as close to a sermon as I’ll  get.
In fact, it’s the first one I ever wrote.
I did a wedding once, but I didn’t have to say anything original.
It’s probably why they’re still married.

I do lead the invocations at KNON board meetings,
But that’s because I’m leading the meetings.
If the real Reverend is there, he gets to do it.
He’s better at it than I am.

Bow your heads and pray for the weekend.

I’m Christian by birth, so this is about the Rules I learned.
Buddha has some cool suggestions for living, too.
There are other sets of Rules available.
Ask your local preacher.

It’s interesting to consider that
Old Testament God had Ten Rules
(some about Him, some about people),
and New Testament God had Two
(both about love.)

New Testament God was a good editor, I suppose.
Maybe Old Testament God was being paid by the word.

Mel Brooks said Old Testament God had Fifteen Rules,
But that was to set up a sight gag.
It was pretty funny, actually.
I don’t think Mel Brooks is a theologian.

So, you either have two rules or ten that sum up
Everything you need to know about how to behave.
Assuming you’re Christian, were raised Christian,
Or you borrowed a Bible from a friend.

Yet, nobody told the Governments we elected.
They have thousands of rules.
They make more of them all the time.
None of them ever seem to go away.

Many of the rules are pretty silly, actually.
(There are websites dedicated to silly laws. Google it.)

Maybe we should try just following the Ten,
Instead of inventing even more that people won’t follow.
Even if you don’t believe in Old Testament God.
(Even if you don’t believe in any God. )
They’re pretty easy to remember.

Try to remember the Ten now.
I’ll wait.
This isn’t a quiz, so don’t worry if you don’t get them all.

Amazingly, none of the Ten are about
health care insurance,
smoking pot or
gay marriage.

You would think with all the press they get,
Those topics would have their own section.
Maybe our priorities are screwed up.

(I think gay pot-smokers should be able to marry and pool their insurance.)

If you can’t remember the Ten, just try to remember the Two.
Remember, New Testament God was a good editor.
He was only on Earth thirty-three years, so He had to get to the point.

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
“This is the first and greatest commandment. “
“And the second is like it:  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”

I guess if you’re an atheist, you can just skip the first rule.
The second one will still work nicely while you’re alive.
Before you go wherever atheists go when they die.
(I hope it’s not Heaven, because that would annoy them.)

It’s interesting quoting the Bible when I may go to Hell.
Even if I am a Reverend.
It’s almost like Linus reciting verses to Charlie Brown in a TV show.
Maybe not.

Still, perhaps we should all just be civil to each other.
Love one another.
That’s something new to try.
Shall we?