Blind John Ellsworth

Rocky Relationship

I thought that you were sexy,
Thought we might go to bed.
Then, when I turned around,
You had a Chihuahua on your head.

I still thought that you were pretty,
You’re as pretty as could be.
I wonder if our insurance covers
A Chihuahua-ectomy.

You could have been a pirate,
Your parrot by your side.
Instead, you have a puppy,
Who always likes to hide.

Rocky’s such a cute little doggie.
He’s really cute as heck.
I’m glad he’s a Chihuahua,
Since a Cocker would break your neck.

I hope this isn’t forward,
I hope I don’t sound crass.
Your hair smells like Head & Shoulders,
But your shoulders smell like ass.

A long time ago

A long time ago,
And far, far away,
I saw her standing there,
Watching some new band play.

The Beatles changed the world.
Their music still resounds.
It’s better than today’s pop,
But this isn’t really about them.

The year before the Sullivan show,
(an even longer time ago),
My wife came into this world.
Not a band, but solo.

Her family pokes fun,
They tell her now she’s old.
She’s the baby, though,
So their insults run cold.

I would never poke fun.
It’s not my style.
I try to honor the aged,
As they begin their final mile.

All I can say is:

Oh, yeah, I tell you something,
I think you’ll understand.
When I tell you something,
I wanna hold your hand.

Mainly because,
I really don’t think
You should cross the street alone.
Not at your age.

Chihuahua Blues

Hey, why is my shoe in the living room?
It was in the bedroom just a minute past.
I can’t limp to work in just one shoe.
So, I’m glad I found it at last.

I don’t know,
I didn’t take it.
I never saw it,
I can’t fake it.
It just appeared next to me.

This pen has traveled a long way.
It’s home is on the kitchen table,
And now it’s on the office floor.
It crossed the house. How was it able?

I don’t know,
I didn’t take it.
I never saw it,
I can’t fake it.
It just appeared next to me.

Why is my bra is buried in the back yard?
A lonely strap is peeking from the dirt.
It’s tragic that I didn’t know it was dead.
I didn’t even think it was hurt.

I don’t know,
I didn’t take it.
I never saw it,
I can’t fake it.
It just appeared next to me.

I had another verse for this song.
Scratched out on a paper scrap.
It was really funny, too.
Not like the rest of this crap.

I don’t know,
I didn’t take it.
I never saw it,
I can’t fake it.
I am not chewing on it.
No, not I.

I blame the Shih-Tzu.

Sick Leave

I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly.
While I’m still feeling fine.
I guess I’ll get the bread and cheese,
Since I know you’ll bring the whine.

I’ve found for you the perfect job,
For every long, hot Texas Spring.
You could go and play in center field,
Since you always catch something.

You have a backyard garden,
With plants and herbs and ferns.
Yet, you only need a Petri dish,
What you grow best are germs.

I need to ask your height and weight,
I hope it’s not much trouble.
It’s just this year at Christmastime,
I’m buying you a bubble.

Reality Sucks

This has not been a good week.
Actually, this has been a bad year.
That is not a plea for sympathy,
Or even a cry for help.
It is facing reality.

In the old days, you would exclaim,
“I need a drink!”
Alcohol is expensive.
Worse yet, it’s temporary.

Many in desperation cry out,
“Just shoot me!”
I don’t do that anymore.
Mainly, because someone might.
That could be permanent.

So, here’s my request to the universe..Try to do something today
That makes the world suck less.
I’m not the only one who
Would appreciate it.

Peace.

Ashes to Ashes

I have the idea for a chorus, and then it turned into a bunch of related choruses, but I have no idea what the verses would be. I was thinking if I wrote it down, it might help. So far, it hasn’t.

Steve Earle has a song called “Ashes to Ashes” on his “Jerusalem” album, I heard another song that uses the phrase on KNON yesterday (Thank you, Texas Renegade Radio!), and it is a great phrase for a country song, as are many Biblical phrases.

I’m beginning to think you just call this “Ashes to Ashes” and just use all the choruses as they are, and declared them verses. I suppose they should be in alphabetical order, but that may be trying to hard.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Before I could drive,
I had to be bussed.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Yeast, water and flour
Make your daily crust.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
I dropped the coffee,
And how Daddy cussed.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
It’s fire for the wicked,
And joy for the just.

(Editor’s note: that is the only one someone might actually use. I really like it.)

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Out of all of my sins,
I’ve suffered most for my lust.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If you want good wine,
You have to age the must.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
Hasn’t rained in forever,
So what caused all this rust?

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
The last thing to break
Is another man’s trust.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
There’s a woman down front
With a mighty fine bust.

NASCAR Blues

I’ve been going round in circles.
Just going with the flow.
I’ve seen that pretty girl before,
About thirty-four seconds ago.

I only stop for tires and gas,
I can’t even visit the bar.
I really need a pee break,
But I just can’t leave the car.

I’m turning left forever,
I’m out here all alone,
I’ve gone three hundred miles,
But I’m no closer to my home.

Lazy Sunday

I can’t just waste all day
Watching TV shows.
Even if it’s Sunday.

Snapple Facts says
You burn more calories
Sleeping than watching TV.

Thank you, Snapple.
I’m going to exercise now.
I’m going to take a nap.

The Ballad of the Lost Keys (aka Sainthood Postponed)

I visited the sick today,
I listened to their pleas.
But now My Lord is testing me,
The valet lost my keys.

I was going to go in peace.
Onward through the fray.
“Who was that saintly woman?”
All the nursing staff would say.

I would have left in peace,
Except for that damn valet.
The bastard lost my friggin’ keys.
So I can’t just drive away.

People started watching,
As I chastised that valet.
It’s hard to appear saintly,
When you’re cussing out Jose.

I want to love my fellow man,
Since I have My Lord to please.
But I’m going to strangle one of them,
If he doesn’t find my keys.

(If I Seem) Cranky

If I seem a wee bit cranky,
Please do excuse the tone.
It’s not that I’m not caring,
I just have problems of my own.

I just can’t worry about everyone,
Your crap is yours alone.
I’m worried about my own damn life,
And I’m getting in the zone.

I’m sure you have huge issues,
You could describe them on the phone.
I’d just really wish you wouldn’t do so,
Those are problems that you own.

Someday, I’ll pass on good advice.
Thoughts heavier than a stone.
It just won’t be any time real soon,
So please don’t bitch and moan.